I don't get AA (yet).

This has really been bugging me lately.  First, let me start with the fact that I have never been to an AA meeting so I am somewhat uninformed, maybe there are all kinds of answers there in the support system.  But anyway, here is the thing that really chaps my hide.  IF alcoholism is a disease then WHY do we have to treat it with the whole 12 step program?  I mean what other diseases are treated this way?  Why is someone who is an alcoholic automatically needing to "work the steps".  If it is a physical disease then why is this the cure?.  Arrgghh.  I am trying to say this so that it makes sense.  It makes sense in my brain.  Okay, other diseases, like lets say diabetes - this is a physical disesase that is related to the inability to process sugar.  In order to fight the disease you have to change your diet, eliminate sugar, make healthy choices and be educated.  If you do all these things you can live and not have any active signs of the disease.  So if you are an alcoholic why can't you just give up booze and make healthy choices?  Why does it have to be some big mental program of steps and sponsorship and reconciling and whatever else?  Why is there so much emotional crap involved??? I mean emotions are fine, but do I really need to dig deep to stay away from booze.  Is drinking always tied in to some deep seated emotional damage that must be disected in a group setting?  I don't get it. 

My Dad went to AA for a number of years, but then he stopped going.  He was sober for probably the last 30 years of his life.  He didn't seem to focus on it.  It just was what it was.  He just didn't drink.  No long story about it.  Booze screwed up his life, he couldn't handle it and he was better with out it.  I guess that is the solution I see.  I don't want to dwell on it and I don't want it to define me.  I just want to not drink and get on with doing all the other stuff that I do in life.

Sugar Sugar Sugar!!!!

As far as addictive behavior goes I have replaced alcohol with sugar.  I mean it is filling in all the holes left by not drinking.  During the day I think about treats I can have.  I "treat" myself to a cookie almost every afternoon.  I plan a Friday night with a piece of cake and the latest copy of People magazine.  It's like an orgy of junk food on Fridays - junk for my mind, junk for my body.  I sneak the treats so that my kids don't see them because goodness knows I wouldn't let them eat this way. 



So, because I am sober and just slightly more aware of myself these days I have decided to kick the sugar habit.  I am eliminating all my "treats".  No cake, no candy, no cookies, no tonic-berry lemonade.  No treats of this type at all. I have read that sugar is an addiction just like many other addictions, so I am trying to mentally accept that this week (I'm on day 2) is going to suck.  It is going to suck like quitting drink sucked.  I can tell myself all day long that this is good for me and that my body needs to detox, but it sucks.

I also know that this early in my sobriety I am supposed to just be kind to myself and not try to limit too much stuff.  I totally get that, but I am not okay with my behavior in regards to sweets.  I do not like the sneaking and hiding and doing something that I know is not good for me.  It is this reason that I am making this change.  I feel like I have to be vigilant about addictive behavior and I am looking to nip this one in the bud quick!

Oh, and 5 weeks sober as of last Sunday, so that's pretty cool too.

Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.

So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!

My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.

 

Booze Killer

I am so tired. I mean like crazy tired.  I have zero motivation to do anything.  This is not my usual state of being. After work last night I went home and pretty much lounged until I went to bed at 10.  No gym today so I slept in til 6:30.  Eight and a half hours should be enough sleep, but I seriously felt like I could just keep going. Ug. Not a fan of this part of the detox.  I mean, I am assuming this is part of the detox.  I feel lazy and just kind of tuned out.

Here is my theory.  From what I understand alcohol acts as a depressent.  When you are up drinking in the evening til 11 or 12 and then fall sleep (pass out) and suddenly wake up at 3ish with anxiety and can't sleep it is because the alcohol and its depressent effects have worn off.  So to use a car analogy (I have no idea why this is the analogy that I am choosing, but lets go with it and see how this plays out) When I drink it feeds the engine and causes my body to go from a regular idle to a higher rpm idle. It isn't apparent, I'm not buzzing around the house, I am just operating "normally" with an internal higher rpm.  This is just how my system functions with the addition of alcohol. My body is so used to "revving up"  all of the time to keep up with the booze that when the booze wears off the body is still revving - thus the 3am wake up call. Maybe I have been "revving" for so long that now that the alcohol is really getting out of my system it is like the car has been shut completely off.  I don't seem to have a normal idle anymore.

Oh - and on a totally unrelated note - Saturday night, after I went paddling and out to dinner with a close friend I was driving home.  It was about 10pm.  I was thinking how nice it was to not be worried about if the glass of wine or 2 would be enough to get me arrested for a DUI if I were to get stopped for some reason.  I could just drive and not worry.  Right about then a loud motorcycle passes me.  It was the Harley type.  The guy driving it had on the standard leather vest with the "club" name on the back.  The name? Booze Killers - established 1946.  I am not a big believer in signs, but I had to admit nothing like a Booze Killer on Harley on  a Saturday night to answer the question of whether I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes nothing is something

So, my entire family is out of town from Sunday to Wednesday this week which leaves me on my own. This easily could have been a 4 day bingefest - work be damned! I'd muscle through each day with a raging hangover, but it would all be worth it because I could drink myself in to oblivion each night.  I could fall asleep on the couch (clearly it must be more comfortable than the couch based on how many nights I end up there). I could watch crap TV.  I could make bad food choices and not care (til the next morning). I could basically just completly waste any free time I had by just having my own solo crapfood, shitty tv boozefest!  Wow. that.is.sad. SAD.  I know that I very easily could have done that BUT I didn't.  It is Tuesday, tonight is my last night solo and I have not had nor do I intend to have said boozefest.

I did however, stay home from work yesterday. I have never ever allowed myself to stay hom from work due to alcohol or a hangover. My thought was always that the pain was self-inflicted so I needed to suck it up and take care of my responsibilities. I have never missed a trail run, mountain bike day, day of work or any other obligation due to my drinking...at least not physically. I am sure mentally and/or emotionally I was far from being in attendance. But I think since I denied myself the sad, solo boozefest I felt as if I deserved something.  I  was really feeling a strong need to just be alone.  Truth be told - I was also just really, really tired.  Tired for no reason, but just literally felt exhausted mentally and physically.  I am trying to take care of myself right now and just be okay with whatever my body needs, rest, sugar, whatever.  Of course there is a balance too as I tend to err on the side of self-indulgence.  What I need to practice right now is mindful indulgence.  I need to be nice to myself.

Tonight I have nothing planned and I am looking forward to it.

Thankful to be on Day 9

Just so normal - day 4

Last night was so...normal...it was weird. I am not having any strong cravings right now.  I am really glad for that.  Maybe it helped that I cut back a fair amount in June.

Came home from work to the hubs and 1 kiddie (older kiddie is on vacay with her Grandmother). They were just hanging out dinking around the house.  We chatted a while about our day.  Talked about making dinner, made dinner, talked about walking the dogs but watched TV instead.  I feel pretty tired these days and it was nice to just veg out and watch "American Ninja Warrior" - seriously, that is what we watched (ug) I had to leave when it ended and they were going to watch America's Got Talent. I can only take so much mindless TV.  At one point I went in the kitchen and fixed myself a drink.  I had lemonade and tonic.  When I sat back down on the couch my son asked what I was drinking.  It was so nice to be able to tell him and then let him try a sip.  No scary "adult drinks" that he had to stay away from.  He liked it and decided to go make his own.  We hung out and just vegged.  I went to bed around 9:30 so I could avoid being tempted to eat or drink.  It wasn't the best of all nights, but considering we were out til 10 the night before paddleboarding and having dinner and we will be out boating late tonight, I will take a mindless night of TV. 

I have been fighting a low grade headache, fatigue, bloating and occasional dizziness since about Tuesday afternoon.  I am sure it is all due to not pumping my body full of alcohol.  It's weird, but I kind of feel like it's a good thing.  I feel like if my body is reacting then I am forcing a change.  It's like working out.  If you are sore then you have done something different.  Maybe that's what it is.  I am sore from saying No!

My hubs and kiddie are leaving Sunday for 4 days.  While I will miss them, I am looking forward to some alone time.  I haven't really gone in to depth with my hubs about the physical withdrawing so it might be nice to just get through some of it and have my own space to deal with it.  Assuming that I continue on this path they will be gone from Sober Day 7 - Sober Day 10.  I rarely get any alone time so I am looking forward to watching movies I pick out and having popcorn for dinner!

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Cupcakes, Sushi and Sarcasm

Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night!  I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days.  Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter.  It was such a weird, almost out of body experience. 

So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening.  I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build.  Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first.  Yep, so, here goes.  I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something.  It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am.  After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home.  I was so tired I just couldn't handle it.  I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf?  it had only been 1 day)  but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did.  I took a nap for about an hour.  It was weird, don't get me wrong,  I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening.  When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner.  My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both.  Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home.  I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home.  Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.

It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.

I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal.  I CAN drink socially and normally.  I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really.  It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband.  I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it.  I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.

This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated.  I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post.  This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there.  I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.

Let it be

So, last night was fine.  I had a family get-together at my house for my daughter's 15th birthday.   My mother-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law and nephew all drank.  Just one beer or one mixed drink each.  I didn't feel any desire though.  Of course, as I have mentioned, no vodka in the house makes it a zillion times easier for me to not drink.  I think that is such a weird thing for me.  I was looking last night and we literally must have gallons of rum, but I have no desier to drink it.  We do have some nice red wine too, but meh, no biggie.  Interesting how picky I am about this. 

So....as I said last night was fine.  Had an extra piece of cake :) making up for a lack of sugar maybe? Whatev, I am not beating myself up about that right now.  I am going to give myself a week of just letting my eating be what it needs to be.  After that I will start to reel it back in to better eating habits.  I had a little trouble sleeping.  Seems weird.  I read that alcohol is a sedative, but your body gets used to the sedative so it kind of goes in to overdrive in the absence of alcohol.  Not sure if this was the case, but it was surprising to have trouble sleeping. 

Fighting a headache today, but I think that is from not having coffee until 11am rather than lack of alcohol, or maybe its both.  It was interesting when my alarm when off this morning and it was time for my workout class.  I usually lay in bed, hungover and think "hell no, I do not want to go get my ass kicked".  It is a really brutal class.  I didn't have that same thought this morning though.  It just seemed fine, like just another thing on my to-do list. I didn't dread it or have to convince myself to go.

Well my noontime optimistic self sees another good, but busy night on tap.  No reason to add alcohol to the mix.  Tomorrow is going to be tougher as I leave to fly up to see my husband for our anniversary (he is out of town going to school).  Well, isn't he lucky, he just got himself a designated driver :)

Fits and Starts

Well, I am now out of vodka at the house.  Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances.  But it isn't really about chances is it?  It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.

I am starting to also feel sad about all of this.  I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering.  I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change.  I don't want to obsess over this.  I am too busy for this shit.

So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday.  I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks.  I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday.  Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me.  Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass.  I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal.  The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal.  Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me.  If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.

I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done.  I just want it to stop.  

Planning ahead

So, I made it through yesterday without drinking.  Actually, I was so tired from my daughter's party the night before that it really didn't seem like any big deal to not drink.  Sometimes it is like that.  Sometimes I am not in the mood, of course these "sometimes" moments are few and far between.  I think that it is these moments that have tricked me in to thinking that maybe my drinking pattern is more normal than I think.  I mean if I don't drink every night and I don't get drunk every night then I must be normal, right.  Oh wait, the fact that I even think about my drinking patterns this much - or that I actually have "drinking patterns", well, that kind of says it all right there.

I have had days where I start to feel like crap at work - getting a cold or overtired or whatever.  All day at work all I can think of is that I am just going to go home, tell the fam I don't feel well and then go lay down.  Oh that'll be so nice, but then I think "WAIT! If I go home and announce that I don't feel well and go lay down then I won't be able to get up later and have a drink, better fake feeling better just in case I want to drink."  What??? What did I just say, did I really type that? Dear Lord I did and worse - it has happened on more than one occasion.  Who the hell fakes feeling better so the option of booze is in the picture later??  Oh right, me. 

These are the things I need to start to reconcile with myself.  These are the things that if I stop and review make really realize that my drinking is not normal.  These are the things that I push to the back of my mind at 6pm when I am making my first drink.  The voice in my head that says it is normal to have a drink after work is much louder than the one in my head that says it is not normal to start thinking about that drink while at work.

So, here's to a sober Friday night.  White knuckling it all the way baby!

I have to stop now.

I have to stop now. I am really good at excusing my behavior. I can rationalize the shit out anything.   I have to stop drinking now. 

I know I have a problem.  I have not had a DUI or any other "rock-bottom" moment.  Maybe if something like that actually happened then it would be enough of a wakeup for me.  I just know in my heart that I am struggling and just drinking too much.  I would describe my drinking pattern as highly functioning, secretive, smart (as in don't do anything I can get arrested for smart, not this is the best thing for my mind, body and spirit smart). I have probably 1-2 mixed drinks (pint sized glass, heavy on the vodka) about 5 nights a week.  I get annoyed when I have to pick my kids up from friends houses later in the evening because it means I can't take my time to "relax".  "Relax" is code in my mind for "get buzzed".

I have an almost constant nagging dull ache in my upper right side, just below my ribs.  I am afraid that I am damaging my liver.  Shit! I would think that would be enough to make me stop drinking -and it is - until about 6pm each night.  That is when I begin the battle of "should I or shouldn't I?" Well, duh, idiot, of course you shouldn't.  Remember that pain you felt all day and worried about all day?  Yeah, well, maybe you should stop drinking and see if it goes away.  Maybe that'd be a really fucking good idea.  Yes, it is a great idea.  I'll just finish off this bottle of vodka so I no longer have it in the house to tempt me and then I will get on with implementing that great idea I came up with. 

Maybe I should go to a meeting.  Oh, but I don't have time for a meeting.  I don't have time to show up somewhere a bunch of days every week and discuss my issues.  What I do have time for is to check out each evening and not much done around the house...yes, clearly I don't have time for taking care of myself as I am too busy not taking care of myself.

So, what is the answer?  Well, I guess it helps to know exactly what the question is.  Why do I drink? Why don't I just stop?  What does my life look like without alcohol?  Will it be better? Worse? What if I try and fail?  I don't know yet, but I feel like it is going to take finding the answer to those questions and probably a bunch of others in order to make a healthy commitment to myself. Even though it isn't the 1st of the month, the 1st of the week or some other arbitrarily choosen appropriate start date, I will just make this simple commitment and I will not drink today.