Problem solving on a Spiral

I worked out today.  I haven't been able to type that in about 3 weeks.  I have gone for runs in the past 3 weeks.  Some of them were even challenging, hilly trail runs, but I have not gone to my class and had my butt kicked in a workout in 3 weeks.  Today I did just that.  I started thinking about how over the last 3 weeks it got easier and easier to not go to class.  I fretted about missing the first one, the second one kind of bothered me, but after a while it really was easier not to go.  It was one less thing on my to-do list.  I mean I like to work out, but with my husband gone for the 8th week in a row I was just finding it easier to not go. I justified it by the fact that I was still running 1-3 times a week, but I know it isn't the same. 

I have two main points ideas I wanted to share today.  One of the ideas is the spiral effect I was feeling and the other is what happened when I stopped making an excuse for not going and started asking myself questions about it and evaluating the options (I actually really like working out, but I was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed).

So first - the spiral effect.  I was thinking about my health and fitness and how I would plot it on a graph.  I decided I could not effectively plot on a traditional graph.  My mental image of my health and fitness commitment as it relates to my life right now is more of  a vertical spiral.  It is very easy for me to stop making good choices and slip back down the spiral.  The downward spin seems to pick up its own momentum and the thought of stopping the spin becomes overwhelming.  When I do finally decide to do something different it takes a lot of strength and teeth gritting.  I put the brakes on the spin and stop the momentum AND then I have to start the work of climbing back up the spiral. Health and fitness in my world have always been work.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, but it is always on a slippery slope.  I don't feel like I have ever found a way to reduce the spin.

The more I thought about the spiral the more I found it applies to my sobriety as well.  If drinking starts the downward spin then again strength, white-knuckling, teeth gritting all help to stop the spin.  Stopping the spin is just the beginning though - I still have to plod my way back up the spiral. It takes work and vigilance.  Right now the spiral is very vertical.  If I mis-step I am likely sliding backwards.  I don't have the luxury of a rest right now.  I have to do the work everyday so that I do not slip.

My second epiphany (if you will) had to do with actually thinking about what the issue is when it came to my workouts and problem solving.  Here is what I know/knew: I like to workout.  I feel good when I workout.  Currently I am mentally tired from 2 months of solo parenting. I am physically tired from going in 8 directions. I have workout time options available - I do not always have to go at 5am. I feel like something is missing from my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally - I don't know - just some weird, nebulous missing thing). In the end I decided to switch to a 6am class for the next 5 weeks.  6am is much more do-able than 5am, but usually my morning routine doesn't allow for 6am. Kids and work dictate an earlier class. Well, this morning my kid was late to school and I was a little late to work today, but the world didn't end.  My husband will be home tomorrow so he can step in and help with the morning routines and I can honor this commitment to myself.  That was it - problem is solved for the next 5 weeks.  My classes will be on hiatus from 12/23 - 1/6 so really the next 7 weeks I don't have to worry.  As for January 7, well, I'll have to see where I am at that point, but right now, today, I am filling in a little bit of what is missing and I am feeling better.

My visual that I explained earlier about the spiral?  A vertical spiral is something that is always challenging. It means I must be moving forward all the time.  My goal is to flatten out my vertical spirals bit by bit.  I need to use tools (hammers? for flattening? surprise! a metaphor) so that the spiral is not so steep.  By doing this I make it easier for myself to succeed.  I can succeed on a steep spiral - but constantly working hard just to inch forward is not fun nor is it a good long term solution. 

Right now my goal is to start evaluating my spirals and figuring out what needs attention.  I am not ready to address everything right now, all at once, but I am ready to start having the conversations with myself.  Hope doesn't stop a spin - action does.

I think that is all I have today - my brain hurts from all this stretching.  Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone else anyway, but it makes sense to me and that's the whole reason I'm here!

85% of the time (Day 22!)

When I was drinking I was afraid to stop because I kept thinking that I would miss out on all the fun.  Apparently that was a good enough reason to keep up with such a destructive behavior for far too long.  I still believed it even a few days, maybe a week in to sobriety. Week 2 I don't think I really thought about it much as I was just too busy trying to sort out the one thousand or so feelings I was having or I was asleep (constantly tired).  The weekends have always been the hardest for me as I entered my 3rd weekend I was  bit nervous that I would slip up.  I was nervous that I would be so bored because I was missing out on all the "fun" that I would drink again and then things would magically be more fun.  So, I started thinking about all the things that I like to do that are fun and whether drinking makes them better.  Here is my list and my answers:

• Trail Running, nope - drinking makes it more difficult actually
• SUP, no way!
• Mountain Biking - impossible
• movies with my kiddies, drinking doesn't make it better it just makes me fall asleep
• Hardcore gymworkouts - drinking no! and a hangover makes it suck ass
• Reading a book - okay, maybe a drink is nice with this BUT it does not make it better
• Boating/Rafting - well, like reading it could be enjoyable, but it doesn't make it better
• Traveling/Exploring - no, not really
• Gardening - duh no
• Spending time with friends, talking and hanging out.  This one is interesting, I feel like I am conditioned to automatically think drinking makes this more fun/better, but I really don't think it adds to the good times. It maybe can be considered a component of the "good times" but I won't be missing out on the spending time with my friends if I choose to do it without drinking.

Well, I know I do other things for fun, but this is what comes to mind, but in just a quick few minutes it is clear to me that the things I think are fun are not drinking related things at all.  There will be times that we are socializing and it is more of a drinking event.  I'm thinking around the holidays, maybe camping etc, but 85% of what I do does not include drinking.  I am going to focus on the fact that the 85% of my "fun" will actually improve without drinking.  I will figure out how to get through the 15% as I get more tools in my belt.  Hopefully, as I have learned so far, the fact that I am not drinking seems to only be a big deal to me and I won't have to go in to all of the reasons for it at that time OR who knows, maybe I'll be ready to share it by then.  At this point I have a long list of fun things to do so I am going to get started!
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Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.

So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!

My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.

 

Sometimes nothing is something

So, my entire family is out of town from Sunday to Wednesday this week which leaves me on my own. This easily could have been a 4 day bingefest - work be damned! I'd muscle through each day with a raging hangover, but it would all be worth it because I could drink myself in to oblivion each night.  I could fall asleep on the couch (clearly it must be more comfortable than the couch based on how many nights I end up there). I could watch crap TV.  I could make bad food choices and not care (til the next morning). I could basically just completly waste any free time I had by just having my own solo crapfood, shitty tv boozefest!  Wow. that.is.sad. SAD.  I know that I very easily could have done that BUT I didn't.  It is Tuesday, tonight is my last night solo and I have not had nor do I intend to have said boozefest.

I did however, stay home from work yesterday. I have never ever allowed myself to stay hom from work due to alcohol or a hangover. My thought was always that the pain was self-inflicted so I needed to suck it up and take care of my responsibilities. I have never missed a trail run, mountain bike day, day of work or any other obligation due to my drinking...at least not physically. I am sure mentally and/or emotionally I was far from being in attendance. But I think since I denied myself the sad, solo boozefest I felt as if I deserved something.  I  was really feeling a strong need to just be alone.  Truth be told - I was also just really, really tired.  Tired for no reason, but just literally felt exhausted mentally and physically.  I am trying to take care of myself right now and just be okay with whatever my body needs, rest, sugar, whatever.  Of course there is a balance too as I tend to err on the side of self-indulgence.  What I need to practice right now is mindful indulgence.  I need to be nice to myself.

Tonight I have nothing planned and I am looking forward to it.

Thankful to be on Day 9

Just so normal - day 4

Last night was so...normal...it was weird. I am not having any strong cravings right now.  I am really glad for that.  Maybe it helped that I cut back a fair amount in June.

Came home from work to the hubs and 1 kiddie (older kiddie is on vacay with her Grandmother). They were just hanging out dinking around the house.  We chatted a while about our day.  Talked about making dinner, made dinner, talked about walking the dogs but watched TV instead.  I feel pretty tired these days and it was nice to just veg out and watch "American Ninja Warrior" - seriously, that is what we watched (ug) I had to leave when it ended and they were going to watch America's Got Talent. I can only take so much mindless TV.  At one point I went in the kitchen and fixed myself a drink.  I had lemonade and tonic.  When I sat back down on the couch my son asked what I was drinking.  It was so nice to be able to tell him and then let him try a sip.  No scary "adult drinks" that he had to stay away from.  He liked it and decided to go make his own.  We hung out and just vegged.  I went to bed around 9:30 so I could avoid being tempted to eat or drink.  It wasn't the best of all nights, but considering we were out til 10 the night before paddleboarding and having dinner and we will be out boating late tonight, I will take a mindless night of TV. 

I have been fighting a low grade headache, fatigue, bloating and occasional dizziness since about Tuesday afternoon.  I am sure it is all due to not pumping my body full of alcohol.  It's weird, but I kind of feel like it's a good thing.  I feel like if my body is reacting then I am forcing a change.  It's like working out.  If you are sore then you have done something different.  Maybe that's what it is.  I am sore from saying No!

My hubs and kiddie are leaving Sunday for 4 days.  While I will miss them, I am looking forward to some alone time.  I haven't really gone in to depth with my hubs about the physical withdrawing so it might be nice to just get through some of it and have my own space to deal with it.  Assuming that I continue on this path they will be gone from Sober Day 7 - Sober Day 10.  I rarely get any alone time so I am looking forward to watching movies I pick out and having popcorn for dinner!

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Let it be

So, last night was fine.  I had a family get-together at my house for my daughter's 15th birthday.   My mother-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law and nephew all drank.  Just one beer or one mixed drink each.  I didn't feel any desire though.  Of course, as I have mentioned, no vodka in the house makes it a zillion times easier for me to not drink.  I think that is such a weird thing for me.  I was looking last night and we literally must have gallons of rum, but I have no desier to drink it.  We do have some nice red wine too, but meh, no biggie.  Interesting how picky I am about this. 

So....as I said last night was fine.  Had an extra piece of cake :) making up for a lack of sugar maybe? Whatev, I am not beating myself up about that right now.  I am going to give myself a week of just letting my eating be what it needs to be.  After that I will start to reel it back in to better eating habits.  I had a little trouble sleeping.  Seems weird.  I read that alcohol is a sedative, but your body gets used to the sedative so it kind of goes in to overdrive in the absence of alcohol.  Not sure if this was the case, but it was surprising to have trouble sleeping. 

Fighting a headache today, but I think that is from not having coffee until 11am rather than lack of alcohol, or maybe its both.  It was interesting when my alarm when off this morning and it was time for my workout class.  I usually lay in bed, hungover and think "hell no, I do not want to go get my ass kicked".  It is a really brutal class.  I didn't have that same thought this morning though.  It just seemed fine, like just another thing on my to-do list. I didn't dread it or have to convince myself to go.

Well my noontime optimistic self sees another good, but busy night on tap.  No reason to add alcohol to the mix.  Tomorrow is going to be tougher as I leave to fly up to see my husband for our anniversary (he is out of town going to school).  Well, isn't he lucky, he just got himself a designated driver :)

Fits and Starts

Well, I am now out of vodka at the house.  Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances.  But it isn't really about chances is it?  It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.

I am starting to also feel sad about all of this.  I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering.  I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change.  I don't want to obsess over this.  I am too busy for this shit.

So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday.  I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks.  I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday.  Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me.  Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass.  I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal.  The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal.  Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me.  If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.

I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done.  I just want it to stop.  

Planning ahead

So, I made it through yesterday without drinking.  Actually, I was so tired from my daughter's party the night before that it really didn't seem like any big deal to not drink.  Sometimes it is like that.  Sometimes I am not in the mood, of course these "sometimes" moments are few and far between.  I think that it is these moments that have tricked me in to thinking that maybe my drinking pattern is more normal than I think.  I mean if I don't drink every night and I don't get drunk every night then I must be normal, right.  Oh wait, the fact that I even think about my drinking patterns this much - or that I actually have "drinking patterns", well, that kind of says it all right there.

I have had days where I start to feel like crap at work - getting a cold or overtired or whatever.  All day at work all I can think of is that I am just going to go home, tell the fam I don't feel well and then go lay down.  Oh that'll be so nice, but then I think "WAIT! If I go home and announce that I don't feel well and go lay down then I won't be able to get up later and have a drink, better fake feeling better just in case I want to drink."  What??? What did I just say, did I really type that? Dear Lord I did and worse - it has happened on more than one occasion.  Who the hell fakes feeling better so the option of booze is in the picture later??  Oh right, me. 

These are the things I need to start to reconcile with myself.  These are the things that if I stop and review make really realize that my drinking is not normal.  These are the things that I push to the back of my mind at 6pm when I am making my first drink.  The voice in my head that says it is normal to have a drink after work is much louder than the one in my head that says it is not normal to start thinking about that drink while at work.

So, here's to a sober Friday night.  White knuckling it all the way baby!