In the middle

Oh, still here.  Still sober.  I'm on day...hold on... let me count 116 now.  November 8th will be 4 months.  That's pretty awesome.  I seem to have fallen in to a normal life routine that does not include booze.  I think about it occasionally and even think I might want some occasionally, but it is not an overwhelming thing.  By the time I get home and start getting through dinner, homework, cleaning and whatever else I need to do I have kind of forgottent that I was thinking about drinking.  This surprises me because it was so ingrained in me before.

I am still struggling with the sugar.  I feel like it is getting worse.  I am actually thinking about blogging about that instead of/in adddition to blogging about not drinking.  It seems like the not drinking thing has hit a bit of a lull.  No big exciting insights, no revelations just going along, living life, not drinking.  Whoopee.  Okay, I don't mean to sound so cavalier.  It is a big deal that I am not drinking, but the real life of it is that it is not all that exciting of a life.  I feel like I am in the in-between stage.  I have gotten through the first few months of craving and re-adjusting and now I am kind of waiting and looking for something that takes the place of the drinks.

So, I guess I am not acutally in the mood to write much today.  I just figured I should update and let the world know I am continuing on with this sober plan.  Next stop 180 days.

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Let it be

So, last night was fine.  I had a family get-together at my house for my daughter's 15th birthday.   My mother-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law and nephew all drank.  Just one beer or one mixed drink each.  I didn't feel any desire though.  Of course, as I have mentioned, no vodka in the house makes it a zillion times easier for me to not drink.  I think that is such a weird thing for me.  I was looking last night and we literally must have gallons of rum, but I have no desier to drink it.  We do have some nice red wine too, but meh, no biggie.  Interesting how picky I am about this. 

So....as I said last night was fine.  Had an extra piece of cake :) making up for a lack of sugar maybe? Whatev, I am not beating myself up about that right now.  I am going to give myself a week of just letting my eating be what it needs to be.  After that I will start to reel it back in to better eating habits.  I had a little trouble sleeping.  Seems weird.  I read that alcohol is a sedative, but your body gets used to the sedative so it kind of goes in to overdrive in the absence of alcohol.  Not sure if this was the case, but it was surprising to have trouble sleeping. 

Fighting a headache today, but I think that is from not having coffee until 11am rather than lack of alcohol, or maybe its both.  It was interesting when my alarm when off this morning and it was time for my workout class.  I usually lay in bed, hungover and think "hell no, I do not want to go get my ass kicked".  It is a really brutal class.  I didn't have that same thought this morning though.  It just seemed fine, like just another thing on my to-do list. I didn't dread it or have to convince myself to go.

Well my noontime optimistic self sees another good, but busy night on tap.  No reason to add alcohol to the mix.  Tomorrow is going to be tougher as I leave to fly up to see my husband for our anniversary (he is out of town going to school).  Well, isn't he lucky, he just got himself a designated driver :)

Day 1, Take 2

Wow.  1 day.  I made it 1 day last week.  Pretty sad.  I feel like I drank a lot this weekend too.  I had 2 white russians on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night each.  I swear, my liver is aching today.  I am all full of remorse and woe now too, as usual. 

I have been reading blogs about other womens journeys and I think I may have lulled myself in to a sense of feeling like mabye I am not so bad... here is my screwed up reasoning:  I can have all kinds of alcohol in the house and not feel the  need to drink it.  We currently have wine, rum, tequila, beer, whiskey, you name it and I probably won't drink it.  If I am out of my drink ingredients of choice (vodka and kahlua for a white russian) then chances are about 98% that I will not have a drink.  Oh, if we are out of milk I will also not have a drink as that is the 3rd ingredient.  Sad sidenote:  I have actually told my son to not drink milk after dinner because I knew if he poured himself a big glass that there would not be enough left for me to make my drink.  So, CLEARLY my alcohol issue is not that bad, right??? sure. right. keep on convincing yourself. 

So, I will start again today.  I will somehow try to keep the willpower I have now steamrolling in to this evening.  All I can do is keep trying, I will figure this out.  I just need to keep turning the mirror inward.