Halfway to 100 !!

I had some busy fun family plans, but I did not have a sugar/alcohol avoidance plan for the weekend. I had some drinking chatter going on in my brain on Friday afternoon/evening.  I didn't think I would drink, but there was some kind of weird "what ifs..." going on. I was concerned, but it passed and I was fine the rest of the weekend.   I got together with some friends on Saturday night, about 5 guy friends that I mountain bike with a lot. Once of the guys had moved and was in town for the weekend. These guys PUT AWAY serious amounts of booze. Namely tequila and some beer.  I love them dearly and I have had my fair share of tequila evenings with my guys, but this was not going to be one of them. I had to drive an hour with another friend of mine to meet up for a bbq. On the way there I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't drinking and he said he really wasn't either. So we get there and the tequilla is pouring and the beers are being passed. I decline and I tell them that I am taking a break. One of them says "oh yea, that's good. I do that every so often too." He then tells me he just went sober for 5 months from Jan to May. Huh? really? Interesting, I had no idea.  Up until a couple of weeks ago he lived in another state so I wouldn't have know.  He didn't mention it either (wheels of wonder are spinning in my head abou this). I told them I was going 100 days and about the 30 day no sugar deal. I had nothing but support from my friends, it was awesome.  As they drank they occasionally offered me tequila shots. No biggie, because if there is anything it is easy to say no to it is a shot of tequila (even the really good tequila they were drinking). I didn't mind being sober at all and it was nice to not be worried about the drive home. My friend who drove down there with me who "isn't drinking either" had  2 shots of tequilla and a beer. He can do that though, he doesn't have an issue, but for me that would have just sent me in to an alcohol binge when I got home.

It all worked out pretty well. I knew going in to the night that tequila would play a big role in the evening. It helped to know that and be mentally prepared. It was the first time too that I have really discussed my not drinking with any friends. I was so happy with the result.

One final note - geez, you are getting my life story here - I stopped in for a quick visit with my best friend on Sunday. As we sat talking she asked about the night before and if I had shots. And I said "no, I told you I'm not doing that right now". She was kind of surprised, which I found odd. She said she knew I had mentioned it, but she figured when my husband came home that we had drinks. I said nope, not doing it. In fact, I told her I was just about at 50 days (today is 51). She told me she was really proud of me. It felt good to talk to her a bit more about it. I told her I thought I drank too much and I need to do this for now.   I didn't go in to detail.  I am not sure when I will do that. I guess I need to figure things out first before I just go sharing my story - even with my closest friend. Anyway, then we talked more about sugar and the addictive qualities of that. She said she is going to go off sugar for the month of September. :)

That is all for now, cuz you know, maybe I had more to say...I mean I haven't told you what I had for dinner or anything :)

 

I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Cupcakes, Sushi and Sarcasm

Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night!  I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days.  Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter.  It was such a weird, almost out of body experience. 

So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening.  I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build.  Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first.  Yep, so, here goes.  I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something.  It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am.  After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home.  I was so tired I just couldn't handle it.  I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf?  it had only been 1 day)  but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did.  I took a nap for about an hour.  It was weird, don't get me wrong,  I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening.  When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner.  My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both.  Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home.  I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home.  Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.

It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.

I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal.  I CAN drink socially and normally.  I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really.  It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband.  I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it.  I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.

This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated.  I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post.  This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there.  I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.