Problem solving on a Spiral

I worked out today.  I haven't been able to type that in about 3 weeks.  I have gone for runs in the past 3 weeks.  Some of them were even challenging, hilly trail runs, but I have not gone to my class and had my butt kicked in a workout in 3 weeks.  Today I did just that.  I started thinking about how over the last 3 weeks it got easier and easier to not go to class.  I fretted about missing the first one, the second one kind of bothered me, but after a while it really was easier not to go.  It was one less thing on my to-do list.  I mean I like to work out, but with my husband gone for the 8th week in a row I was just finding it easier to not go. I justified it by the fact that I was still running 1-3 times a week, but I know it isn't the same. 

I have two main points ideas I wanted to share today.  One of the ideas is the spiral effect I was feeling and the other is what happened when I stopped making an excuse for not going and started asking myself questions about it and evaluating the options (I actually really like working out, but I was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed).

So first - the spiral effect.  I was thinking about my health and fitness and how I would plot it on a graph.  I decided I could not effectively plot on a traditional graph.  My mental image of my health and fitness commitment as it relates to my life right now is more of  a vertical spiral.  It is very easy for me to stop making good choices and slip back down the spiral.  The downward spin seems to pick up its own momentum and the thought of stopping the spin becomes overwhelming.  When I do finally decide to do something different it takes a lot of strength and teeth gritting.  I put the brakes on the spin and stop the momentum AND then I have to start the work of climbing back up the spiral. Health and fitness in my world have always been work.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, but it is always on a slippery slope.  I don't feel like I have ever found a way to reduce the spin.

The more I thought about the spiral the more I found it applies to my sobriety as well.  If drinking starts the downward spin then again strength, white-knuckling, teeth gritting all help to stop the spin.  Stopping the spin is just the beginning though - I still have to plod my way back up the spiral. It takes work and vigilance.  Right now the spiral is very vertical.  If I mis-step I am likely sliding backwards.  I don't have the luxury of a rest right now.  I have to do the work everyday so that I do not slip.

My second epiphany (if you will) had to do with actually thinking about what the issue is when it came to my workouts and problem solving.  Here is what I know/knew: I like to workout.  I feel good when I workout.  Currently I am mentally tired from 2 months of solo parenting. I am physically tired from going in 8 directions. I have workout time options available - I do not always have to go at 5am. I feel like something is missing from my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally - I don't know - just some weird, nebulous missing thing). In the end I decided to switch to a 6am class for the next 5 weeks.  6am is much more do-able than 5am, but usually my morning routine doesn't allow for 6am. Kids and work dictate an earlier class. Well, this morning my kid was late to school and I was a little late to work today, but the world didn't end.  My husband will be home tomorrow so he can step in and help with the morning routines and I can honor this commitment to myself.  That was it - problem is solved for the next 5 weeks.  My classes will be on hiatus from 12/23 - 1/6 so really the next 7 weeks I don't have to worry.  As for January 7, well, I'll have to see where I am at that point, but right now, today, I am filling in a little bit of what is missing and I am feeling better.

My visual that I explained earlier about the spiral?  A vertical spiral is something that is always challenging. It means I must be moving forward all the time.  My goal is to flatten out my vertical spirals bit by bit.  I need to use tools (hammers? for flattening? surprise! a metaphor) so that the spiral is not so steep.  By doing this I make it easier for myself to succeed.  I can succeed on a steep spiral - but constantly working hard just to inch forward is not fun nor is it a good long term solution. 

Right now my goal is to start evaluating my spirals and figuring out what needs attention.  I am not ready to address everything right now, all at once, but I am ready to start having the conversations with myself.  Hope doesn't stop a spin - action does.

I think that is all I have today - my brain hurts from all this stretching.  Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone else anyway, but it makes sense to me and that's the whole reason I'm here!

Single speeding

Along with booze I have always struggled with weight (not severe weight, but anywhere from 5-25 pounds). I am active and fit generally. It is actually amazing the physical things I have been able to accomplish over the years while still drinking. 1/2 marathons, full marathons, an ultra, a couple of 8 hour endurance mountain bike races, 5am crossfit - all while drinking a fair (to high) amount. I feel like the extra weight is partly from drinking plus along with drinking comes the weird boozer high sugar intake and extra nightly snacking. Now that I am not boozing I really really want to move forward and do these things without the booze brain, without the extra weight (hitting maximum density with being 23 lbs over "my weight" right now), and without the tiredness that comes with it all. Impatient much? Nah, not me. I just want my life back right now! I see what I was doing and missing and I don't want that anymore.

So I tell myself that this is like training for an endurance event, slow and steady. If I train to hard too soon I will get hurt. I have to build up to going the distance; let my muscles get stronger slowly and over time. Oh I do love a metaphor! But now in addition to my boozie voice I have some other little voice that is in there, pushing pushing pushing to be better, be super fit, eat super clean, get strong, lean and do the things that I have been doing boozy and half-assed all these years. What is that voice all about??? Where is my voice that says take it easy on yourself - heal, trust the process, be nice to yourself? I hear it occasionally, but it is much quieter than the "more, bigger, better, go go go" voice.

Oh shit - interesting epiphany right now. I ride a single speed mountain bike. This means that I don't have those easy granny gears to shift in to when I hit a hill. When I have to climb I have to stand up, pedal hard and just fucking get to the top. It is all power. If it is rocky and technical I am powering and maneuvering and probably not even breathing! I love that it is harder. I don't have to think a lot about it. I either stand up and pedal or I don't make it to the top. It has made me a much faster rider and racer (ie it has worked for me). I'm wondering if this might be how I approach things/life. One speed. Get through it. Get to the top and then you rest and breathe. BUT, wait, what if there isn't a top? Staying sober does not have a top. Huh, I may be in trouble here I am probably going to have to figure out how to use some gears on this hill. (I know I am THE METAPHOR QUEEN!)

I don't get AA (yet).

This has really been bugging me lately.  First, let me start with the fact that I have never been to an AA meeting so I am somewhat uninformed, maybe there are all kinds of answers there in the support system.  But anyway, here is the thing that really chaps my hide.  IF alcoholism is a disease then WHY do we have to treat it with the whole 12 step program?  I mean what other diseases are treated this way?  Why is someone who is an alcoholic automatically needing to "work the steps".  If it is a physical disease then why is this the cure?.  Arrgghh.  I am trying to say this so that it makes sense.  It makes sense in my brain.  Okay, other diseases, like lets say diabetes - this is a physical disesase that is related to the inability to process sugar.  In order to fight the disease you have to change your diet, eliminate sugar, make healthy choices and be educated.  If you do all these things you can live and not have any active signs of the disease.  So if you are an alcoholic why can't you just give up booze and make healthy choices?  Why does it have to be some big mental program of steps and sponsorship and reconciling and whatever else?  Why is there so much emotional crap involved??? I mean emotions are fine, but do I really need to dig deep to stay away from booze.  Is drinking always tied in to some deep seated emotional damage that must be disected in a group setting?  I don't get it. 

My Dad went to AA for a number of years, but then he stopped going.  He was sober for probably the last 30 years of his life.  He didn't seem to focus on it.  It just was what it was.  He just didn't drink.  No long story about it.  Booze screwed up his life, he couldn't handle it and he was better with out it.  I guess that is the solution I see.  I don't want to dwell on it and I don't want it to define me.  I just want to not drink and get on with doing all the other stuff that I do in life.