Single speeding

Along with booze I have always struggled with weight (not severe weight, but anywhere from 5-25 pounds). I am active and fit generally. It is actually amazing the physical things I have been able to accomplish over the years while still drinking. 1/2 marathons, full marathons, an ultra, a couple of 8 hour endurance mountain bike races, 5am crossfit - all while drinking a fair (to high) amount. I feel like the extra weight is partly from drinking plus along with drinking comes the weird boozer high sugar intake and extra nightly snacking. Now that I am not boozing I really really want to move forward and do these things without the booze brain, without the extra weight (hitting maximum density with being 23 lbs over "my weight" right now), and without the tiredness that comes with it all. Impatient much? Nah, not me. I just want my life back right now! I see what I was doing and missing and I don't want that anymore.

So I tell myself that this is like training for an endurance event, slow and steady. If I train to hard too soon I will get hurt. I have to build up to going the distance; let my muscles get stronger slowly and over time. Oh I do love a metaphor! But now in addition to my boozie voice I have some other little voice that is in there, pushing pushing pushing to be better, be super fit, eat super clean, get strong, lean and do the things that I have been doing boozy and half-assed all these years. What is that voice all about??? Where is my voice that says take it easy on yourself - heal, trust the process, be nice to yourself? I hear it occasionally, but it is much quieter than the "more, bigger, better, go go go" voice.

Oh shit - interesting epiphany right now. I ride a single speed mountain bike. This means that I don't have those easy granny gears to shift in to when I hit a hill. When I have to climb I have to stand up, pedal hard and just fucking get to the top. It is all power. If it is rocky and technical I am powering and maneuvering and probably not even breathing! I love that it is harder. I don't have to think a lot about it. I either stand up and pedal or I don't make it to the top. It has made me a much faster rider and racer (ie it has worked for me). I'm wondering if this might be how I approach things/life. One speed. Get through it. Get to the top and then you rest and breathe. BUT, wait, what if there isn't a top? Staying sober does not have a top. Huh, I may be in trouble here I am probably going to have to figure out how to use some gears on this hill. (I know I am THE METAPHOR QUEEN!)

Alcohol is everywhere

Alcohol observations from a sober viewpoint.

Yesterday some friends were boating and I had a special treat of being picked up for my lunch hour and boated around the river for a bit.  Such a wonderful break in the middle of the day.  Everyone on the boat was having a beer or drink of some kind.  I was offered one and was easily able to say no as I had to go back to work, then a bit later I was offered "just a sip".  I have not discussed my sobriety with anyone - well, I did mention to one friend fairly casually that I wasn't drinking in order to drop a few pounds (not working btw) so this person wasn't sabotaging me or any such thing.  He was offering to truly being nice - to make my lunchtime boat excursion just a bit more "fun".  I made an excuse about it being just a tease and said no thanks.  As I think about it now though - one sip stresses me out.  One sip doesn't do anything for me except at best - reset my counter to zero and at worst send me on a weekend "fuck it I just blew it anyway, I'll start counting again on Monday" bender.  I would never just take one sip.  It's an all or nothing propositon for me and right now I am practicing the nothing. 

Today I stopped in to Starbucks at lunch for a pick me up coffee.  I don't have afternoon coffee that often, but it is often enough that I am somewhat familiar with the staff there.  Anyway, as I am sitting waiting and zoning out on my phone I overhear one of the staff telling a customer that he hasn't had a drink in 7 months.  I look up to see who is talking and I am shocked.  This guy is maybe in his early 20's.  He is always really friendly when I am in and always asks about my weekend plans etc.  As I am listening he is telling this customer/friend about how he thinks alcohol literally eats holes in the brain and since he has stopped drinking he feels like the lights are going on.  He feels like he is remembering things better than he has in a long time and that he is learning to do things differently.  He was so excited about how good he was feeling.  I just sat and listened and totally anonymously identified with everything he was saying.  I didn't say anything, but I might next time, or maybe I won't...who knows.  He may or not have a problem, I don't know his full story, but it was good to hear someone else talking about being sober and how good it feels!

Two days, two observations.  Funny how much alcohol permeates our culture.  It surrounds me whether I am drinking or not.  That's fine, it can surround me but I will no longer allow it to consume me.

Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.

So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!

My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.

 

Sometimes nothing is something

So, my entire family is out of town from Sunday to Wednesday this week which leaves me on my own. This easily could have been a 4 day bingefest - work be damned! I'd muscle through each day with a raging hangover, but it would all be worth it because I could drink myself in to oblivion each night.  I could fall asleep on the couch (clearly it must be more comfortable than the couch based on how many nights I end up there). I could watch crap TV.  I could make bad food choices and not care (til the next morning). I could basically just completly waste any free time I had by just having my own solo crapfood, shitty tv boozefest!  Wow. that.is.sad. SAD.  I know that I very easily could have done that BUT I didn't.  It is Tuesday, tonight is my last night solo and I have not had nor do I intend to have said boozefest.

I did however, stay home from work yesterday. I have never ever allowed myself to stay hom from work due to alcohol or a hangover. My thought was always that the pain was self-inflicted so I needed to suck it up and take care of my responsibilities. I have never missed a trail run, mountain bike day, day of work or any other obligation due to my drinking...at least not physically. I am sure mentally and/or emotionally I was far from being in attendance. But I think since I denied myself the sad, solo boozefest I felt as if I deserved something.  I  was really feeling a strong need to just be alone.  Truth be told - I was also just really, really tired.  Tired for no reason, but just literally felt exhausted mentally and physically.  I am trying to take care of myself right now and just be okay with whatever my body needs, rest, sugar, whatever.  Of course there is a balance too as I tend to err on the side of self-indulgence.  What I need to practice right now is mindful indulgence.  I need to be nice to myself.

Tonight I have nothing planned and I am looking forward to it.

Thankful to be on Day 9

Wish I could skip ahead

Last April I stopped drinking for about 3 weeks. That was the first time in many many years I had gone that long and unfortunately I haven't done it since. I remember feeling good. I don't remember why I started drinking again. I think when I stopped then I wasn't really thinking of it on a long term basis, I was just thinking I should give it a rest. Today marks 8 days sober. I made it through the weekend and I have made it through 2 days of being home all by myself. In the past time home by myself has been a good enough reason to have drinks. I wouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. This time it is a good time for me to sleep, read and heal. I am just taking time away from the world and just being. I am watching mindless tv, reading mindless crap, checking in on sober blogs and Booze Free Brigade, reading "Drinking, a Love Story" I have no desire to be social. I just feel kind of blah and tired. I am just really grateful for the solitude right now.

 I just want a quick fix, answer all the questions right, take this pill - poof your over it kind of deal. It doesn't work that way though. I only get rewarded for my sobriety 1 day at a time. I cannot earn bonus time for good behavior. I can only get to 100 days sober by being sober for 100 days. There are no shortcuts.

Cheers to another non-hungover morning tomorrow!