I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

Day 1, Take 2

Wow.  1 day.  I made it 1 day last week.  Pretty sad.  I feel like I drank a lot this weekend too.  I had 2 white russians on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night each.  I swear, my liver is aching today.  I am all full of remorse and woe now too, as usual. 

I have been reading blogs about other womens journeys and I think I may have lulled myself in to a sense of feeling like mabye I am not so bad... here is my screwed up reasoning:  I can have all kinds of alcohol in the house and not feel the  need to drink it.  We currently have wine, rum, tequila, beer, whiskey, you name it and I probably won't drink it.  If I am out of my drink ingredients of choice (vodka and kahlua for a white russian) then chances are about 98% that I will not have a drink.  Oh, if we are out of milk I will also not have a drink as that is the 3rd ingredient.  Sad sidenote:  I have actually told my son to not drink milk after dinner because I knew if he poured himself a big glass that there would not be enough left for me to make my drink.  So, CLEARLY my alcohol issue is not that bad, right??? sure. right. keep on convincing yourself. 

So, I will start again today.  I will somehow try to keep the willpower I have now steamrolling in to this evening.  All I can do is keep trying, I will figure this out.  I just need to keep turning the mirror inward.

I have to stop now.

I have to stop now. I am really good at excusing my behavior. I can rationalize the shit out anything.   I have to stop drinking now. 

I know I have a problem.  I have not had a DUI or any other "rock-bottom" moment.  Maybe if something like that actually happened then it would be enough of a wakeup for me.  I just know in my heart that I am struggling and just drinking too much.  I would describe my drinking pattern as highly functioning, secretive, smart (as in don't do anything I can get arrested for smart, not this is the best thing for my mind, body and spirit smart). I have probably 1-2 mixed drinks (pint sized glass, heavy on the vodka) about 5 nights a week.  I get annoyed when I have to pick my kids up from friends houses later in the evening because it means I can't take my time to "relax".  "Relax" is code in my mind for "get buzzed".

I have an almost constant nagging dull ache in my upper right side, just below my ribs.  I am afraid that I am damaging my liver.  Shit! I would think that would be enough to make me stop drinking -and it is - until about 6pm each night.  That is when I begin the battle of "should I or shouldn't I?" Well, duh, idiot, of course you shouldn't.  Remember that pain you felt all day and worried about all day?  Yeah, well, maybe you should stop drinking and see if it goes away.  Maybe that'd be a really fucking good idea.  Yes, it is a great idea.  I'll just finish off this bottle of vodka so I no longer have it in the house to tempt me and then I will get on with implementing that great idea I came up with. 

Maybe I should go to a meeting.  Oh, but I don't have time for a meeting.  I don't have time to show up somewhere a bunch of days every week and discuss my issues.  What I do have time for is to check out each evening and not much done around the house...yes, clearly I don't have time for taking care of myself as I am too busy not taking care of myself.

So, what is the answer?  Well, I guess it helps to know exactly what the question is.  Why do I drink? Why don't I just stop?  What does my life look like without alcohol?  Will it be better? Worse? What if I try and fail?  I don't know yet, but I feel like it is going to take finding the answer to those questions and probably a bunch of others in order to make a healthy commitment to myself. Even though it isn't the 1st of the month, the 1st of the week or some other arbitrarily choosen appropriate start date, I will just make this simple commitment and I will not drink today.