Alcohol is everywhere

Alcohol observations from a sober viewpoint.

Yesterday some friends were boating and I had a special treat of being picked up for my lunch hour and boated around the river for a bit.  Such a wonderful break in the middle of the day.  Everyone on the boat was having a beer or drink of some kind.  I was offered one and was easily able to say no as I had to go back to work, then a bit later I was offered "just a sip".  I have not discussed my sobriety with anyone - well, I did mention to one friend fairly casually that I wasn't drinking in order to drop a few pounds (not working btw) so this person wasn't sabotaging me or any such thing.  He was offering to truly being nice - to make my lunchtime boat excursion just a bit more "fun".  I made an excuse about it being just a tease and said no thanks.  As I think about it now though - one sip stresses me out.  One sip doesn't do anything for me except at best - reset my counter to zero and at worst send me on a weekend "fuck it I just blew it anyway, I'll start counting again on Monday" bender.  I would never just take one sip.  It's an all or nothing propositon for me and right now I am practicing the nothing. 

Today I stopped in to Starbucks at lunch for a pick me up coffee.  I don't have afternoon coffee that often, but it is often enough that I am somewhat familiar with the staff there.  Anyway, as I am sitting waiting and zoning out on my phone I overhear one of the staff telling a customer that he hasn't had a drink in 7 months.  I look up to see who is talking and I am shocked.  This guy is maybe in his early 20's.  He is always really friendly when I am in and always asks about my weekend plans etc.  As I am listening he is telling this customer/friend about how he thinks alcohol literally eats holes in the brain and since he has stopped drinking he feels like the lights are going on.  He feels like he is remembering things better than he has in a long time and that he is learning to do things differently.  He was so excited about how good he was feeling.  I just sat and listened and totally anonymously identified with everything he was saying.  I didn't say anything, but I might next time, or maybe I won't...who knows.  He may or not have a problem, I don't know his full story, but it was good to hear someone else talking about being sober and how good it feels!

Two days, two observations.  Funny how much alcohol permeates our culture.  It surrounds me whether I am drinking or not.  That's fine, it can surround me but I will no longer allow it to consume me.

Is this the Pink Cloud I have heard about?

This is that annoying post of me talking about how I don't even want to drink right now.  Really, I don't.  I find that I have not even been thinking about it or missing it in the evenings.  I still worry about how I am going to get through some occasions.  The big one that seems to be stuck in my mind is New Years Eve.  I think my issue is that I don't really want to share my sobriety right now.  It is kind of like a private little secret I have and I just don't want to go in to with other people.  Honestly, I feel so damn exhausted all the time that the thought of picking through my brain to discuss my drinking just wears me out even more.  I will stop worrying abut New Years Eve now, it doesn't do me any good.  I  will figure it out as it gets closer.

So...my original thought/point with this post is that I am kind of surprised that I have not been thinking about booze much.  It is amazing how different my mind set it is compared to just a few weeks ago.  I don't feel like I am white knuckling or just getting by.  I can truly see myself not drinking again ever.  It doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.  Maybe this is the "pink cloud" I have heard about.  Well, if it is I will enjoy the ride, but be cautious about feeling to secure in my journey.

Surfing!

I have been reading a ton about drinking, blogs and books and the Booze Free Brigade feed.  I have also been listening to The Bubble Hour.  There is so much good information out there.  I think about how much easier it must be to get sober now with all these options.  Easy and get sober in the same sentence - yea, right! I guess what I mean to say is that we are fortunate to have so many resources available.

While I am filling my non-hungover, getting sharper by the day, sweet little brain with all kinds of info I am also realizing how scary it is.  I feel really good and really confident at Day 11, like I could really see this working out for me as far as a booze free life.  Then I read about folks that went 30 days, 11 months, 4 years (!) and started drinking again.  It scares the crap out of me.  Is there ever a time when you get to not be vigilant?  Is it ever just over?  Is it always so much work?  Is a relapse a result of it not being work anymore?  Is that what happens when we get complacent in sobriety?

So, these thoughts run through my mind... alot. I hate being afraid, but I am glad to be aware.  I've decided to treat it like surfing.  I love surfing and being on the water.  It is an amazing feeling.  With that feeling though I have to always be aware of what is around me.  Surfers can never turn their backs on the ocean.  Plus you have to be aware of the other dangers, rocks, shallow areas, critters with big giant teeth and jaws.  But even with all those challenges it is worth the risk.   Yes, it is scary.  Yes, people who have gone before me haven't always succeeded. Yes, I will get tumbled around and not know which way is up for a minute. But, when I am up and I am surfing - there is no other feeling like it in the world!

Booze Killer

I am so tired. I mean like crazy tired.  I have zero motivation to do anything.  This is not my usual state of being. After work last night I went home and pretty much lounged until I went to bed at 10.  No gym today so I slept in til 6:30.  Eight and a half hours should be enough sleep, but I seriously felt like I could just keep going. Ug. Not a fan of this part of the detox.  I mean, I am assuming this is part of the detox.  I feel lazy and just kind of tuned out.

Here is my theory.  From what I understand alcohol acts as a depressent.  When you are up drinking in the evening til 11 or 12 and then fall sleep (pass out) and suddenly wake up at 3ish with anxiety and can't sleep it is because the alcohol and its depressent effects have worn off.  So to use a car analogy (I have no idea why this is the analogy that I am choosing, but lets go with it and see how this plays out) When I drink it feeds the engine and causes my body to go from a regular idle to a higher rpm idle. It isn't apparent, I'm not buzzing around the house, I am just operating "normally" with an internal higher rpm.  This is just how my system functions with the addition of alcohol. My body is so used to "revving up"  all of the time to keep up with the booze that when the booze wears off the body is still revving - thus the 3am wake up call. Maybe I have been "revving" for so long that now that the alcohol is really getting out of my system it is like the car has been shut completely off.  I don't seem to have a normal idle anymore.

Oh - and on a totally unrelated note - Saturday night, after I went paddling and out to dinner with a close friend I was driving home.  It was about 10pm.  I was thinking how nice it was to not be worried about if the glass of wine or 2 would be enough to get me arrested for a DUI if I were to get stopped for some reason.  I could just drive and not worry.  Right about then a loud motorcycle passes me.  It was the Harley type.  The guy driving it had on the standard leather vest with the "club" name on the back.  The name? Booze Killers - established 1946.  I am not a big believer in signs, but I had to admit nothing like a Booze Killer on Harley on  a Saturday night to answer the question of whether I am doing the right thing.

I Need Space

Wow there is a lot of booze around me! 

After work last night we went boating with some friends.  Just barely get on the boat and of course the first question is "can I get you a drink?" Of course they are just being nice and they have no idea that I am not drinking right now (or maybe ever, but lets not get carried away here), but it's interesting that an alcohol offer is a sign of welcome.  I enjoyed the time on the boat.  I watched my son go tubing for the first time and just relaxed and chatted.  Everyone, but me of course, had a few beers.  Then we stopped and had dinner on the river.  I stuck with water while the rest of the folks had beer or rum drinks.  I did mention that I was avoiding alcohol as a means to drop a few pounds, but then my chicken tacos and onion rings might have blown my cover!

I am probably not being as completly honest with my hubs as I should be.  I haven't said to him each time I have stopped drinking "that's it - I am not drinking." I just kind of stop.  He notices, but it isn't really a big deal to him.  He noticed last Sunday when I made myself a boozy drink at home.  He also noticed when we were on vacation 2 weeks back that I didn't drink.  I think he still see's it as me cutting back.  Controlling it more.  In my head I know it is more than that.  This fact was made clear last night when I asked him if he brought my drink stuff.  I had asked him to bring me some lemonade and tonic water to drink while boating.  I know, weird, but I like it.  He had forgotten, but then he said all proud - "but I did bring a Mike's hard cherry lemonade" big smile.  Um. oh. right. I'll just have some water. It wasn't that big a deal that he forgot my drink, but it was interesting that he brought me booze that I didn't ask for.  This takes me to a dangerous place in mind - "well, if he doesn't think I really have a problem and actually brings me booze then maybe I'm not as bad as I thought.  I mean we do live together, he sees all the drinking I do. He would know if it was really bad".  Did you hear that noise?  It was the sound the record player makes when someone grabs the needle, drags it across the record and stops the music followed by silence.  I know, it is exactly that kind of thinking that I cannot afford right now.  The truth is he has NO IDEA what is happening in my brain when the alcohol hits it.  I don't even know what is happening.  I just know I cannot let anyone's, even my dear loving hubs, opinions determine whether I have an issue.  Right now, I have an issue.  I need some space from the booze for a while.  Easy as that.  Problem or not I need space.

Just so normal - day 4

Last night was so...normal...it was weird. I am not having any strong cravings right now.  I am really glad for that.  Maybe it helped that I cut back a fair amount in June.

Came home from work to the hubs and 1 kiddie (older kiddie is on vacay with her Grandmother). They were just hanging out dinking around the house.  We chatted a while about our day.  Talked about making dinner, made dinner, talked about walking the dogs but watched TV instead.  I feel pretty tired these days and it was nice to just veg out and watch "American Ninja Warrior" - seriously, that is what we watched (ug) I had to leave when it ended and they were going to watch America's Got Talent. I can only take so much mindless TV.  At one point I went in the kitchen and fixed myself a drink.  I had lemonade and tonic.  When I sat back down on the couch my son asked what I was drinking.  It was so nice to be able to tell him and then let him try a sip.  No scary "adult drinks" that he had to stay away from.  He liked it and decided to go make his own.  We hung out and just vegged.  I went to bed around 9:30 so I could avoid being tempted to eat or drink.  It wasn't the best of all nights, but considering we were out til 10 the night before paddleboarding and having dinner and we will be out boating late tonight, I will take a mindless night of TV. 

I have been fighting a low grade headache, fatigue, bloating and occasional dizziness since about Tuesday afternoon.  I am sure it is all due to not pumping my body full of alcohol.  It's weird, but I kind of feel like it's a good thing.  I feel like if my body is reacting then I am forcing a change.  It's like working out.  If you are sore then you have done something different.  Maybe that's what it is.  I am sore from saying No!

My hubs and kiddie are leaving Sunday for 4 days.  While I will miss them, I am looking forward to some alone time.  I haven't really gone in to depth with my hubs about the physical withdrawing so it might be nice to just get through some of it and have my own space to deal with it.  Assuming that I continue on this path they will be gone from Sober Day 7 - Sober Day 10.  I rarely get any alone time so I am looking forward to watching movies I pick out and having popcorn for dinner!

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

Fits and Starts

Well, I am now out of vodka at the house.  Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances.  But it isn't really about chances is it?  It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.

I am starting to also feel sad about all of this.  I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering.  I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change.  I don't want to obsess over this.  I am too busy for this shit.

So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday.  I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks.  I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday.  Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me.  Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass.  I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal.  The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal.  Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me.  If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.

I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done.  I just want it to stop.