Is this the Pink Cloud I have heard about?

This is that annoying post of me talking about how I don't even want to drink right now.  Really, I don't.  I find that I have not even been thinking about it or missing it in the evenings.  I still worry about how I am going to get through some occasions.  The big one that seems to be stuck in my mind is New Years Eve.  I think my issue is that I don't really want to share my sobriety right now.  It is kind of like a private little secret I have and I just don't want to go in to with other people.  Honestly, I feel so damn exhausted all the time that the thought of picking through my brain to discuss my drinking just wears me out even more.  I will stop worrying abut New Years Eve now, it doesn't do me any good.  I  will figure it out as it gets closer.

So...my original thought/point with this post is that I am kind of surprised that I have not been thinking about booze much.  It is amazing how different my mind set it is compared to just a few weeks ago.  I don't feel like I am white knuckling or just getting by.  I can truly see myself not drinking again ever.  It doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.  Maybe this is the "pink cloud" I have heard about.  Well, if it is I will enjoy the ride, but be cautious about feeling to secure in my journey.

Booze Killer

I am so tired. I mean like crazy tired.  I have zero motivation to do anything.  This is not my usual state of being. After work last night I went home and pretty much lounged until I went to bed at 10.  No gym today so I slept in til 6:30.  Eight and a half hours should be enough sleep, but I seriously felt like I could just keep going. Ug. Not a fan of this part of the detox.  I mean, I am assuming this is part of the detox.  I feel lazy and just kind of tuned out.

Here is my theory.  From what I understand alcohol acts as a depressent.  When you are up drinking in the evening til 11 or 12 and then fall sleep (pass out) and suddenly wake up at 3ish with anxiety and can't sleep it is because the alcohol and its depressent effects have worn off.  So to use a car analogy (I have no idea why this is the analogy that I am choosing, but lets go with it and see how this plays out) When I drink it feeds the engine and causes my body to go from a regular idle to a higher rpm idle. It isn't apparent, I'm not buzzing around the house, I am just operating "normally" with an internal higher rpm.  This is just how my system functions with the addition of alcohol. My body is so used to "revving up"  all of the time to keep up with the booze that when the booze wears off the body is still revving - thus the 3am wake up call. Maybe I have been "revving" for so long that now that the alcohol is really getting out of my system it is like the car has been shut completely off.  I don't seem to have a normal idle anymore.

Oh - and on a totally unrelated note - Saturday night, after I went paddling and out to dinner with a close friend I was driving home.  It was about 10pm.  I was thinking how nice it was to not be worried about if the glass of wine or 2 would be enough to get me arrested for a DUI if I were to get stopped for some reason.  I could just drive and not worry.  Right about then a loud motorcycle passes me.  It was the Harley type.  The guy driving it had on the standard leather vest with the "club" name on the back.  The name? Booze Killers - established 1946.  I am not a big believer in signs, but I had to admit nothing like a Booze Killer on Harley on  a Saturday night to answer the question of whether I am doing the right thing.

No more alternate endings

Sometimes I feel like even if I do fall off the wagon at least I drank less this week or even month than I would have if I had not even tried.  I feel like that counts for something doesn't it?  But then I think about how many days have I rebooted my diet and exercise program.  How many "I'm going to eat healthy, no more crap - Day 1's" have I had? Yet here I sit 20, almost 25 pounds over my goal weight.  So, if sporadically starting a healthy eating plan is not leading to weight loss, then probably sporadically stopping drink is probably not leading to big gains in solving my abnormal drinking behaviors.  Don't get me wrong - any day without alcohol is a better day for my physical being then a day with alcohol.  My liver thanks me for any reprieve,  but in all honesty a fits and starts approach is not going to really solve the issue.

Yesterday was a perfect, non-drinking day.  I went to work as usual, but then after work I went Stand Up Paddling with friends.  I started paddling a couple of year ago.  We have been doing it casually over the past couple of years, but it seems like this year we (my hubs and I) have gotten more serious about it.  It is very calming, but still challenging and can be a good workout if you want it to be.  Anyway, it was a friend of mine's birthday and she'd been wanting to try it so we kind of threw the word out to see if anyone else wanted to join.  A group of 9 of us went out for about 1 1/2 hours and just leisurely paddled and talked and hung out.  So relaxing and nice.  Afterwards we went to pizza.  I immediatly told my hubs that he could have a few beers and I would drive home.  Everyone at the table then ordered beers and I ordered a cranberry tonic.  It was easy to explain that I was avoiding alcohol to cut calories.  Since my group of friends is all athletes this went over without question.  We had a great dinner and I drove us home.  We got home around 10 and I was beat so I went to bed and had a great night of sleep. 

The alternate ending for this evening if I had been drinking would have likely been - I would have had 2 beers with dinner, come home at 10 made a white russian and sat on the couch and tried to read or watch tv.    Then I would grab some pita chips (need something not sweet to balance out the sweet drink), worked on my drink and probably fallen asleep on the couch.  My husband would go to bed without me, somewhat annoyed.  I would wake up on the couch between 2 and 4, stumble to bed for some very unsettled, unrestful sleep until 5:30 or 6:30 (depending on if I had my workout class that day).  I would then drag my tired and probably hungover butt out of bed by promising myself that I could come home and go straight to sleep right after work. 

So, choice A really seemd to work for me.  Plus I probably saved myself an extra 1100 - 1300 calories in booze and snack foods.  I didn't miss the booze last night.   I know I will probably miss it soon, but so far I feel more like Good Riddance!

The Neverending Story (Day 2)

I am tired of all of this already.  I am tired of thinking about drinking.  I am tired of drinking. I am tired of not drinking.  I am tired of it being an issue.   I don't want to want to drink.  I don't want to wonder if I have a drink "is this a normal drinking pattern?"  I don't want to wonder if I would be thinner, fitter, faster, more focused, more tuned in and just overall better if I don't drink.   It's annoying. I just want to live my life.  Just regular life living going on here.  No preoccupation with addictive habits.  Just going along whistling a tune.  But the fact seems to be that I can't.  I don't think I can drink "normally".  I really don't.  So, I think the easiest thing to do is to not drink at all.  Because sure, that is totes easy.  Just ask anyone who has gone through it.  You just wake up one day and stop drinking, close that chapter of your life and move forward.  Whew!  That was a crazy, wild read, but I am through with that book - what's next on the reading list?

I think this annoyed and fed up mindset that I have is interesting.  It really takes away my desire to drink (for now - who knows how long this will last).  Right now I see myself just saying "no thanks" and moving on.  No more dealing with the mental crap.  The answer is just "No, it's not for me right now."  There is kind of a relief in it.

I have been thinking about talking to my hubs more about it.  I told him a few weeks ago that I was wanting to stop, but it was kind of nebulous, kind of "I think I am doing this too much, I am just going to cut it back.  I want to be more fit and healthy."  In order to get the support I need I should probably tell him that for now I am just going to cut it out of my life.  Just say no to the booze.  I also need to tell him that I am going to/already am experiencing withdrawal symptons such as fatigue, moodiness and INSANE SUGAR CRAVINGS.  They probably aren't as bad as they could have been since I have been cutting back over the past few weeks, but they are still there.  My emotional state is a bit fragile and I just need to take it easy.  Yes, that is the discussion I need to have.  Now, where did I put that Courage Book?

I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.

I have issues...

Here I am at Day 4 again.  This is the day I fell off the wagon last time.  Got crazy with that one drink at dinner last Saturday. woop woop.  It wasn't even worth it - having to start counting all over again for that one drink.  I feel like such a dumbass.  Oh well, moving on.

So, this week's challenge begins today.  We are leaving tonight for a 4 day family (just me the hubs and kiddies) mini-vacay in the mountains. Super fun, but every time we go on mini-vacay it is a perfect excuse for me to have a little (who am I kidding? little? phsshh) cocktail or 3.  So....here I am faced with this.  Do I or don't I?  I honestly don't know which way I am going to go on this.  I mean what's the worst that could happen if I don't drink?  I might remember the whole vacation. I might be able to get up early (and not be hungover) and go for an amazing mountain run. I might not spend extra money on booze. I might not consume extra calories on booze and crap that I think I should eat while drinking booze. I might stay connected to the kiddies and hubs for the whole weekend.  Well, that all sounds pretty nice.  So, I really don't know at this point.  I still don't have vodka in the house so the fact that I'd have to spend a bunch of money on vodka and kahlua is discouraging me as well.  Right, cuz this isn't a health issue, it's a financial issue.  Fuckin-a, I think my brain is wired wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what kind of issue it is - in the end it is an issue.  Maybe I can moderate...I have to think back to last Saturday when one drink sent me into a sharklike feeding frenzy of more more more!  I didn't get to have more, but still it was a weird experience.  I wasn't drunk from my one drink and I felt like an observer of the ping-pong game in my brain in regards to searching for a drink and then trying to not search for a drink. 

No conclusion yet regarding what this long weekend will bring, just getting all the thoughts out there. We shall see...

Information Overload

I am overloading my senses with recovery information.  I have been listening to The Bubble Hour podcast, I have been reading other blogs and I have been checking in on Booze Free Brigade.  It's weird - I am obsessed with recovery right now.  I think deep down I am still looking for that something that tells me that I really don't have a problem with drinking.  Something that says -

If you drink 5-6 nights a week most weeks, think about drinking during the day, feel like a vacation or hell even a weekend is a reason for drinking and getting a good solid buzz.  If your sleep sucks and you wake up nightly around 3 am when the booze wears off.  If you have a booze gut. If you are annoyed when you have to do something in the evening because it means you can't have a drink.  If you meet all of that criteria you probably DO NOT have an issue with alcohol.

Hahaha! I'll just keep on reading and keep on listening because I certainly haven't found that message yet!

Family getaway out of town this weekend - 4 days of mountain air, paddling, hiking, running and not drinking.  Honestly, the "not drinking" portion puts a damper on the rest of it for me.  I hate that it does, but its true. 

I am actually not in the mood to write much today - feeling a little tired, pissy and woe is me.  I think I'll eat this cheesecake brownie, drink my water and just deal. whoopee.

It's no big deal...to you

My Dad (a sober alcoholic for 25+ years, oh what I didn't mention that little genetic gem yet?) once told me "you'd be surprised how little other people think about you."  He didn't mean it in a "they think little of you" way, but more in the "they don't give as much consideration to the things you think are important as you do".  That is a really awkward sentence, but hopefully the point is clear.  Think about it - last time you got dressed up for something and considered carefully which shoes to wear, which jewelry would be right, which outfit worked the best did you do it for yourself or to look a certain way for others.  Hopefully it was for yourself, because the others most likely gave a quick glance at what you had on and quickly moved on.  Your choice of wedge heals over a flat sandal really had no bearing on them.  That silver ring that totally set off the outfit?  They probably didn't even notice.  It's not that they don't care, it's just that other people have their own lives and they are just as entrenched in their own wedge heal/flat sandal dilemma as you are in yours. 

My point is this - when I think about my drinking I think most folks would be surprised to learn that I feel it is a problem.  This issue that is a BIG issue for me is a non-issue for most folks in my life.  My problem is not on their radar - and back to my Dads words - I AM surprised at how little they think about it.

Even my hubs, because I am not ready to tell him the extent of how I feel about it, doesn't have a clear idea of how much I am trying to change.   I have been so functional for so long that it probably doesn't appear to be the issue that I feel that it is.  When I tell him I am cutting back (like that? still can't get to the I'm quitting commitment level) he says fine, that's good.  It'll be helpful for your morning workouts, you won't feel so groggy.  Plus it'll save money.  Right...I was totally thinking that...it'll...save...money...  or maybe, you know, my life.  It's not his fault.  He is reacting to what he sees.  He can't know where my mind goes when it comes to booze. His mind doesn't go there. 

So, saying no to a drink is a big deal to me these days, but for folks around me, when I say "no thanks" they hardly even notice and I like it like that.

Cupcakes, Sushi and Sarcasm

Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night!  I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days.  Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter.  It was such a weird, almost out of body experience. 

So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening.  I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build.  Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first.  Yep, so, here goes.  I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something.  It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am.  After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home.  I was so tired I just couldn't handle it.  I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf?  it had only been 1 day)  but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did.  I took a nap for about an hour.  It was weird, don't get me wrong,  I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening.  When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner.  My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both.  Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home.  I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home.  Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.

It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.

I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal.  I CAN drink socially and normally.  I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really.  It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband.  I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it.  I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.

This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated.  I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post.  This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there.  I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.