85% of the time (Day 22!)

When I was drinking I was afraid to stop because I kept thinking that I would miss out on all the fun.  Apparently that was a good enough reason to keep up with such a destructive behavior for far too long.  I still believed it even a few days, maybe a week in to sobriety. Week 2 I don't think I really thought about it much as I was just too busy trying to sort out the one thousand or so feelings I was having or I was asleep (constantly tired).  The weekends have always been the hardest for me as I entered my 3rd weekend I was  bit nervous that I would slip up.  I was nervous that I would be so bored because I was missing out on all the "fun" that I would drink again and then things would magically be more fun.  So, I started thinking about all the things that I like to do that are fun and whether drinking makes them better.  Here is my list and my answers:

• Trail Running, nope - drinking makes it more difficult actually
• SUP, no way!
• Mountain Biking - impossible
• movies with my kiddies, drinking doesn't make it better it just makes me fall asleep
• Hardcore gymworkouts - drinking no! and a hangover makes it suck ass
• Reading a book - okay, maybe a drink is nice with this BUT it does not make it better
• Boating/Rafting - well, like reading it could be enjoyable, but it doesn't make it better
• Traveling/Exploring - no, not really
• Gardening - duh no
• Spending time with friends, talking and hanging out.  This one is interesting, I feel like I am conditioned to automatically think drinking makes this more fun/better, but I really don't think it adds to the good times. It maybe can be considered a component of the "good times" but I won't be missing out on the spending time with my friends if I choose to do it without drinking.

Well, I know I do other things for fun, but this is what comes to mind, but in just a quick few minutes it is clear to me that the things I think are fun are not drinking related things at all.  There will be times that we are socializing and it is more of a drinking event.  I'm thinking around the holidays, maybe camping etc, but 85% of what I do does not include drinking.  I am going to focus on the fact that the 85% of my "fun" will actually improve without drinking.  I will figure out how to get through the 15% as I get more tools in my belt.  Hopefully, as I have learned so far, the fact that I am not drinking seems to only be a big deal to me and I won't have to go in to all of the reasons for it at that time OR who knows, maybe I'll be ready to share it by then.  At this point I have a long list of fun things to do so I am going to get started!
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Day 1, Take 2

Wow.  1 day.  I made it 1 day last week.  Pretty sad.  I feel like I drank a lot this weekend too.  I had 2 white russians on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night each.  I swear, my liver is aching today.  I am all full of remorse and woe now too, as usual. 

I have been reading blogs about other womens journeys and I think I may have lulled myself in to a sense of feeling like mabye I am not so bad... here is my screwed up reasoning:  I can have all kinds of alcohol in the house and not feel the  need to drink it.  We currently have wine, rum, tequila, beer, whiskey, you name it and I probably won't drink it.  If I am out of my drink ingredients of choice (vodka and kahlua for a white russian) then chances are about 98% that I will not have a drink.  Oh, if we are out of milk I will also not have a drink as that is the 3rd ingredient.  Sad sidenote:  I have actually told my son to not drink milk after dinner because I knew if he poured himself a big glass that there would not be enough left for me to make my drink.  So, CLEARLY my alcohol issue is not that bad, right??? sure. right. keep on convincing yourself. 

So, I will start again today.  I will somehow try to keep the willpower I have now steamrolling in to this evening.  All I can do is keep trying, I will figure this out.  I just need to keep turning the mirror inward.