Problem solving on a Spiral

I worked out today.  I haven't been able to type that in about 3 weeks.  I have gone for runs in the past 3 weeks.  Some of them were even challenging, hilly trail runs, but I have not gone to my class and had my butt kicked in a workout in 3 weeks.  Today I did just that.  I started thinking about how over the last 3 weeks it got easier and easier to not go to class.  I fretted about missing the first one, the second one kind of bothered me, but after a while it really was easier not to go.  It was one less thing on my to-do list.  I mean I like to work out, but with my husband gone for the 8th week in a row I was just finding it easier to not go. I justified it by the fact that I was still running 1-3 times a week, but I know it isn't the same. 

I have two main points ideas I wanted to share today.  One of the ideas is the spiral effect I was feeling and the other is what happened when I stopped making an excuse for not going and started asking myself questions about it and evaluating the options (I actually really like working out, but I was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed).

So first - the spiral effect.  I was thinking about my health and fitness and how I would plot it on a graph.  I decided I could not effectively plot on a traditional graph.  My mental image of my health and fitness commitment as it relates to my life right now is more of  a vertical spiral.  It is very easy for me to stop making good choices and slip back down the spiral.  The downward spin seems to pick up its own momentum and the thought of stopping the spin becomes overwhelming.  When I do finally decide to do something different it takes a lot of strength and teeth gritting.  I put the brakes on the spin and stop the momentum AND then I have to start the work of climbing back up the spiral. Health and fitness in my world have always been work.  It doesn't mean I don't enjoy them, but it is always on a slippery slope.  I don't feel like I have ever found a way to reduce the spin.

The more I thought about the spiral the more I found it applies to my sobriety as well.  If drinking starts the downward spin then again strength, white-knuckling, teeth gritting all help to stop the spin.  Stopping the spin is just the beginning though - I still have to plod my way back up the spiral. It takes work and vigilance.  Right now the spiral is very vertical.  If I mis-step I am likely sliding backwards.  I don't have the luxury of a rest right now.  I have to do the work everyday so that I do not slip.

My second epiphany (if you will) had to do with actually thinking about what the issue is when it came to my workouts and problem solving.  Here is what I know/knew: I like to workout.  I feel good when I workout.  Currently I am mentally tired from 2 months of solo parenting. I am physically tired from going in 8 directions. I have workout time options available - I do not always have to go at 5am. I feel like something is missing from my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally - I don't know - just some weird, nebulous missing thing). In the end I decided to switch to a 6am class for the next 5 weeks.  6am is much more do-able than 5am, but usually my morning routine doesn't allow for 6am. Kids and work dictate an earlier class. Well, this morning my kid was late to school and I was a little late to work today, but the world didn't end.  My husband will be home tomorrow so he can step in and help with the morning routines and I can honor this commitment to myself.  That was it - problem is solved for the next 5 weeks.  My classes will be on hiatus from 12/23 - 1/6 so really the next 7 weeks I don't have to worry.  As for January 7, well, I'll have to see where I am at that point, but right now, today, I am filling in a little bit of what is missing and I am feeling better.

My visual that I explained earlier about the spiral?  A vertical spiral is something that is always challenging. It means I must be moving forward all the time.  My goal is to flatten out my vertical spirals bit by bit.  I need to use tools (hammers? for flattening? surprise! a metaphor) so that the spiral is not so steep.  By doing this I make it easier for myself to succeed.  I can succeed on a steep spiral - but constantly working hard just to inch forward is not fun nor is it a good long term solution. 

Right now my goal is to start evaluating my spirals and figuring out what needs attention.  I am not ready to address everything right now, all at once, but I am ready to start having the conversations with myself.  Hope doesn't stop a spin - action does.

I think that is all I have today - my brain hurts from all this stretching.  Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone else anyway, but it makes sense to me and that's the whole reason I'm here!

In the middle

Oh, still here.  Still sober.  I'm on day...hold on... let me count 116 now.  November 8th will be 4 months.  That's pretty awesome.  I seem to have fallen in to a normal life routine that does not include booze.  I think about it occasionally and even think I might want some occasionally, but it is not an overwhelming thing.  By the time I get home and start getting through dinner, homework, cleaning and whatever else I need to do I have kind of forgottent that I was thinking about drinking.  This surprises me because it was so ingrained in me before.

I am still struggling with the sugar.  I feel like it is getting worse.  I am actually thinking about blogging about that instead of/in adddition to blogging about not drinking.  It seems like the not drinking thing has hit a bit of a lull.  No big exciting insights, no revelations just going along, living life, not drinking.  Whoopee.  Okay, I don't mean to sound so cavalier.  It is a big deal that I am not drinking, but the real life of it is that it is not all that exciting of a life.  I feel like I am in the in-between stage.  I have gotten through the first few months of craving and re-adjusting and now I am kind of waiting and looking for something that takes the place of the drinks.

So, I guess I am not acutally in the mood to write much today.  I just figured I should update and let the world know I am continuing on with this sober plan.  Next stop 180 days.

I'm pretty sure it won't be a shitstorm.

Do not fret.  I am still here and I am still sober. Let me check...day 73.  Pretty cool.  I am amazed at how close I am to finishing the 100 day challenge.  Does that mean I will drink again once I hit 100 days?  Probably not.  I'd like to think that I have "reset" things and that I can go back to drinking normally.  Maybe I could, but maybe I couldn't.  Am I that vain to think that all of the folks that have gone before me that have posted about how they tried to moderate and failed were different than me?  Am I so special?  I'd like to think I am.  Actually yes I am, but, if I am truly struggling with drinking, if I may in fact be an alcoholic, the disease isn't special or different just because I may have it.  It isn't different in me than in other people.  I don't have some special ability to moderate because I have a different strain of it.  No, it is the same disease with the same progression, pitfalls and eventual outcome.  So, what is it to be then? Risking the drinking and seeing what happens?  Or not drinking and knowing that whatever happens I am in control of my situation.  Right now I choose control.  I choose the sometimes painful, occasionally boring, razor sharp clarity of being sober. This has become my "known quantity".  If I really need to escape I can go to sleep, but currently I do not want to deal with the fallout of drinking.    If I don't drink a few things might suck, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a shitstorm.

A pretty unremarkable weekend.

I actually don't have much to report from my 3 day weekend.  It was a nice enough weekend.  Occasionally busy and occasionally quiet.  A good balance.  Nothing really to report though.  It was my first 3 day weekend sober.  I didn't even really think about that until today.  That's pretty cool.  Um, yep. Not really gonna drag things out here.  I will post soon when I actually have something to share. 

8 weeks + 2 days.  Wow.  I am really doing it!

Single speeding

Along with booze I have always struggled with weight (not severe weight, but anywhere from 5-25 pounds). I am active and fit generally. It is actually amazing the physical things I have been able to accomplish over the years while still drinking. 1/2 marathons, full marathons, an ultra, a couple of 8 hour endurance mountain bike races, 5am crossfit - all while drinking a fair (to high) amount. I feel like the extra weight is partly from drinking plus along with drinking comes the weird boozer high sugar intake and extra nightly snacking. Now that I am not boozing I really really want to move forward and do these things without the booze brain, without the extra weight (hitting maximum density with being 23 lbs over "my weight" right now), and without the tiredness that comes with it all. Impatient much? Nah, not me. I just want my life back right now! I see what I was doing and missing and I don't want that anymore.

So I tell myself that this is like training for an endurance event, slow and steady. If I train to hard too soon I will get hurt. I have to build up to going the distance; let my muscles get stronger slowly and over time. Oh I do love a metaphor! But now in addition to my boozie voice I have some other little voice that is in there, pushing pushing pushing to be better, be super fit, eat super clean, get strong, lean and do the things that I have been doing boozy and half-assed all these years. What is that voice all about??? Where is my voice that says take it easy on yourself - heal, trust the process, be nice to yourself? I hear it occasionally, but it is much quieter than the "more, bigger, better, go go go" voice.

Oh shit - interesting epiphany right now. I ride a single speed mountain bike. This means that I don't have those easy granny gears to shift in to when I hit a hill. When I have to climb I have to stand up, pedal hard and just fucking get to the top. It is all power. If it is rocky and technical I am powering and maneuvering and probably not even breathing! I love that it is harder. I don't have to think a lot about it. I either stand up and pedal or I don't make it to the top. It has made me a much faster rider and racer (ie it has worked for me). I'm wondering if this might be how I approach things/life. One speed. Get through it. Get to the top and then you rest and breathe. BUT, wait, what if there isn't a top? Staying sober does not have a top. Huh, I may be in trouble here I am probably going to have to figure out how to use some gears on this hill. (I know I am THE METAPHOR QUEEN!)

Halfway to 100 !!

I had some busy fun family plans, but I did not have a sugar/alcohol avoidance plan for the weekend. I had some drinking chatter going on in my brain on Friday afternoon/evening.  I didn't think I would drink, but there was some kind of weird "what ifs..." going on. I was concerned, but it passed and I was fine the rest of the weekend.   I got together with some friends on Saturday night, about 5 guy friends that I mountain bike with a lot. Once of the guys had moved and was in town for the weekend. These guys PUT AWAY serious amounts of booze. Namely tequila and some beer.  I love them dearly and I have had my fair share of tequila evenings with my guys, but this was not going to be one of them. I had to drive an hour with another friend of mine to meet up for a bbq. On the way there I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't drinking and he said he really wasn't either. So we get there and the tequilla is pouring and the beers are being passed. I decline and I tell them that I am taking a break. One of them says "oh yea, that's good. I do that every so often too." He then tells me he just went sober for 5 months from Jan to May. Huh? really? Interesting, I had no idea.  Up until a couple of weeks ago he lived in another state so I wouldn't have know.  He didn't mention it either (wheels of wonder are spinning in my head abou this). I told them I was going 100 days and about the 30 day no sugar deal. I had nothing but support from my friends, it was awesome.  As they drank they occasionally offered me tequila shots. No biggie, because if there is anything it is easy to say no to it is a shot of tequila (even the really good tequila they were drinking). I didn't mind being sober at all and it was nice to not be worried about the drive home. My friend who drove down there with me who "isn't drinking either" had  2 shots of tequilla and a beer. He can do that though, he doesn't have an issue, but for me that would have just sent me in to an alcohol binge when I got home.

It all worked out pretty well. I knew going in to the night that tequila would play a big role in the evening. It helped to know that and be mentally prepared. It was the first time too that I have really discussed my not drinking with any friends. I was so happy with the result.

One final note - geez, you are getting my life story here - I stopped in for a quick visit with my best friend on Sunday. As we sat talking she asked about the night before and if I had shots. And I said "no, I told you I'm not doing that right now". She was kind of surprised, which I found odd. She said she knew I had mentioned it, but she figured when my husband came home that we had drinks. I said nope, not doing it. In fact, I told her I was just about at 50 days (today is 51). She told me she was really proud of me. It felt good to talk to her a bit more about it. I told her I thought I drank too much and I need to do this for now.   I didn't go in to detail.  I am not sure when I will do that. I guess I need to figure things out first before I just go sharing my story - even with my closest friend. Anyway, then we talked more about sugar and the addictive qualities of that. She said she is going to go off sugar for the month of September. :)

That is all for now, cuz you know, maybe I had more to say...I mean I haven't told you what I had for dinner or anything :)

 

I don't get AA (yet).

This has really been bugging me lately.  First, let me start with the fact that I have never been to an AA meeting so I am somewhat uninformed, maybe there are all kinds of answers there in the support system.  But anyway, here is the thing that really chaps my hide.  IF alcoholism is a disease then WHY do we have to treat it with the whole 12 step program?  I mean what other diseases are treated this way?  Why is someone who is an alcoholic automatically needing to "work the steps".  If it is a physical disease then why is this the cure?.  Arrgghh.  I am trying to say this so that it makes sense.  It makes sense in my brain.  Okay, other diseases, like lets say diabetes - this is a physical disesase that is related to the inability to process sugar.  In order to fight the disease you have to change your diet, eliminate sugar, make healthy choices and be educated.  If you do all these things you can live and not have any active signs of the disease.  So if you are an alcoholic why can't you just give up booze and make healthy choices?  Why does it have to be some big mental program of steps and sponsorship and reconciling and whatever else?  Why is there so much emotional crap involved??? I mean emotions are fine, but do I really need to dig deep to stay away from booze.  Is drinking always tied in to some deep seated emotional damage that must be disected in a group setting?  I don't get it. 

My Dad went to AA for a number of years, but then he stopped going.  He was sober for probably the last 30 years of his life.  He didn't seem to focus on it.  It just was what it was.  He just didn't drink.  No long story about it.  Booze screwed up his life, he couldn't handle it and he was better with out it.  I guess that is the solution I see.  I don't want to dwell on it and I don't want it to define me.  I just want to not drink and get on with doing all the other stuff that I do in life.

Testing my willpower

If car shopping doesn't drive me to drink and eat a fucking cupcake nothing will! Okay, that's a little dramatic but still, I hate it.  I hate having a low budget, haggling and just all of it.

Okay, rant over. Today is six weeks sober and 1 week sugar free. I tried to go off sugar at about 3 weeks, but I could t do it. I feel like now the timing is nice because it takes my mind off of not being able to have booze. I'm a bit more focused on not having sugar. Double bonus - since my booze of choice is a sugar filled cocktail I now have 2 reasons to say no. 

Apparently my hubs isn't really drinking now either. He had a couple of beers the first night he was home, but then I had "the talk" with him the next morning and he's been sober too. He doesn't have a problem, so it's not a biggie for him, but it is nice to have the support.

I figure by now I have saved $180 + 35000 calories. Well, I ate a good portion of those cals back in sugar and crap in the first 5 weeks, but now with no sugar that is lower too. That is a pretty big savings! Next up is probably going to have to be eliminating starchy carbs. Slowly but surely I am making healthy changes.

It's late, I'm beat. I'm sugar and booze free and I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.

Day 40 no booze, Day 5 no sugar. If I keep giving up stuff I am going to need more room for the title.

Today is 5 days no sugar and 40 days no booze.  Okay, universe I am expecting to drop a few lbs on the old scale anytime now.  Oh wait, I should not be eating my weight in carbs? Hm. oh. whatever then. One vice at a time.  I feel like I am working on the two biggies right now so I'll just leave at that for a bit. 

My gym has a bootcamp starting up again in about 2 weeks.  During bootcamp we are supposed to go No Alcohol (check), No sugar over 9 grams (check), No dairy (about 1/2 a check here), No Processed foods (another 1/2 a check) and No starchy carbs (no checks at all, in fact I might need to give some of the previously earned checks back!  In the past when I have done this detox I have gotten sick, I mean "I think I'm getting the flu" sick during the first week and by week 2 I am usually drinking again.  Since I am cutting out booze and sugar on my own I am thinking that maybe cutting out the other 3 won't be such a system shock this time.  I know starchy carbs convert to sugars, but since 2 months ago I was consuming booze, sugar AND starchy carbs and now I am just on starchy carbs I am at least going in the right direction.  I am also starting to see that the first 5 days of making a major change to my eating or drinking pattern kind of sucks.  It is hard not having sugar, but it is easier today than it was on Monday.  I have to hope that it will be easier still by this time next week.  So I will continue my optimistic journey on my quest for nutritional self improvement.  Btw - during this I am not counting calories at all.  I am working out 3-5 times a week and just trying to limit my foods to be within my current "NO" guideline.  I am trying to eat healthier overall and not be obsessed with numbers all the time. 

Well, that is about all the exciting news I have today.  Just a general check in.  Keeping the sober side up and trying to enjoy the fact that I remember my days and evenings now.

Telling my man

My hubs is home for a week between trips to Alaska.  It is always so nice to have him home.  It is weird for a day or two as we kind of figure out our routines again, but weird is better than alone!

So as I am on day 39 of not drinking now I figured I should let my hubs know that I am done with it.  I still don't have it in me to admit to more than just "I was drinking too much".  So, that is what I said.   I really didn't have to say it though, he had a front row seat to how much I was drinking.  So, I told him that I am done drinking.  I explained to him that  it is easier for me to just say no all the time then to try to play games and say I will only drink on the weekends or I will only drink when we are out at dinner/special occasions.  I told him that I just preferred to not have it be a part of my life.  He mentioned that he noticed I hadn't had a drink in a long time (he has been gone for the last 3 weeks so he didn't really know what I was doing until he came home) and that he thought if I wasn't drinking I would achieve my other goals more easily.  I also explained to him that when I initially thought about drinking I thought somehow I would be missing out on fun, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the things I do for fun do not include drinking.  In fact drinking really wasn't fun anymore.  He just nodded and agreed.  So, that was that I guess.  Not really sure if I expected it to go differently or if maybe I thought he would have questions or what.  He doesn't drink much and can really take it or leave it.  He said he doesn't care if he drinks again, but sometimes he likes the taste of a beer.  He also said he would prefer it sometimes if beer didn't have alcohol in it.  Fuck you, who even says that?  Oops, I mean, huh - that's interesting. :)

Sugar Sugar Sugar!!!!

As far as addictive behavior goes I have replaced alcohol with sugar.  I mean it is filling in all the holes left by not drinking.  During the day I think about treats I can have.  I "treat" myself to a cookie almost every afternoon.  I plan a Friday night with a piece of cake and the latest copy of People magazine.  It's like an orgy of junk food on Fridays - junk for my mind, junk for my body.  I sneak the treats so that my kids don't see them because goodness knows I wouldn't let them eat this way. 



So, because I am sober and just slightly more aware of myself these days I have decided to kick the sugar habit.  I am eliminating all my "treats".  No cake, no candy, no cookies, no tonic-berry lemonade.  No treats of this type at all. I have read that sugar is an addiction just like many other addictions, so I am trying to mentally accept that this week (I'm on day 2) is going to suck.  It is going to suck like quitting drink sucked.  I can tell myself all day long that this is good for me and that my body needs to detox, but it sucks.

I also know that this early in my sobriety I am supposed to just be kind to myself and not try to limit too much stuff.  I totally get that, but I am not okay with my behavior in regards to sweets.  I do not like the sneaking and hiding and doing something that I know is not good for me.  It is this reason that I am making this change.  I feel like I have to be vigilant about addictive behavior and I am looking to nip this one in the bud quick!

Oh, and 5 weeks sober as of last Sunday, so that's pretty cool too.

Alcohol is everywhere

Alcohol observations from a sober viewpoint.

Yesterday some friends were boating and I had a special treat of being picked up for my lunch hour and boated around the river for a bit.  Such a wonderful break in the middle of the day.  Everyone on the boat was having a beer or drink of some kind.  I was offered one and was easily able to say no as I had to go back to work, then a bit later I was offered "just a sip".  I have not discussed my sobriety with anyone - well, I did mention to one friend fairly casually that I wasn't drinking in order to drop a few pounds (not working btw) so this person wasn't sabotaging me or any such thing.  He was offering to truly being nice - to make my lunchtime boat excursion just a bit more "fun".  I made an excuse about it being just a tease and said no thanks.  As I think about it now though - one sip stresses me out.  One sip doesn't do anything for me except at best - reset my counter to zero and at worst send me on a weekend "fuck it I just blew it anyway, I'll start counting again on Monday" bender.  I would never just take one sip.  It's an all or nothing propositon for me and right now I am practicing the nothing. 

Today I stopped in to Starbucks at lunch for a pick me up coffee.  I don't have afternoon coffee that often, but it is often enough that I am somewhat familiar with the staff there.  Anyway, as I am sitting waiting and zoning out on my phone I overhear one of the staff telling a customer that he hasn't had a drink in 7 months.  I look up to see who is talking and I am shocked.  This guy is maybe in his early 20's.  He is always really friendly when I am in and always asks about my weekend plans etc.  As I am listening he is telling this customer/friend about how he thinks alcohol literally eats holes in the brain and since he has stopped drinking he feels like the lights are going on.  He feels like he is remembering things better than he has in a long time and that he is learning to do things differently.  He was so excited about how good he was feeling.  I just sat and listened and totally anonymously identified with everything he was saying.  I didn't say anything, but I might next time, or maybe I won't...who knows.  He may or not have a problem, I don't know his full story, but it was good to hear someone else talking about being sober and how good it feels!

Two days, two observations.  Funny how much alcohol permeates our culture.  It surrounds me whether I am drinking or not.  That's fine, it can surround me but I will no longer allow it to consume me.

30 freakin days!

30 days today. I'm just going to roll that around on my tongue for a bit. 30 days sober. 29 days ago this day seemed impossible. 29 days ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to be sober. Here I am at 30 days and I know this is the right choice. I love the clarity that I have most days now. I can honestly say that I do not want to drink today. I am not drawn to it today. It used to annoy the shit out of me when I would read blogs and the author would talk about not wanting to drink. I would think that was impossible, or at least impossible for me. But I'll be damned if I'm not sitting here typing those exact words. What a difference a little bit of time can make. I don't say it very often, but dang it, I am proud of myself so far. I am doing what I set out to do and it feels good.

Back in June when I was still quitting and restarting I told my husb that I wanted to stop drinking, clean up my diet and really get more involved with my gym. I wanted to assist with workouts, who knows, maybe be a coach some day. I had been thinking about the fact that I love to workout and I love reading about fitness, both physical and nutritional, okay and I am obsessed with weight loss shows, before and after stories are like crack for me. I thought it would be really cool to be more involved in health and fitness both for myself but also eventually for others. Lately I have taken it up a notch in my classes and have been doing the demos and helping. Today we showed up to the gym and there was no coach. Everything was locked up tight. About 10 of us decided to go to the park and make up a workout. I basically got to lead it. It wasn't quite the way I'd planned to maybe start coaching, but it was cool. The other ladies said "you lead it". I had no plan so I had to make it up as I went. It wasn't great, but all things considered we did great. 

So on the 30th day of my sobriety I was given an opportunity to glimpse maybe what it might feel like to follow that dream a little. I feel like I was given a that a month ago I would not have been able to receive. I would not have been clear-headed enough to have led the class and I don't think I even would have been aware that it was something I wanted to do.

Oh and I had a piece of cake to celebrate! (It's not ALL about nutrition)

Still going!

4 weeks today. I never say it and I probably should more often - I am proud of myself. It's all new territory. My weekend was so busy with working out, hiking and swimming with kiddies, school clothes shopping, sports for the kiddies and family time that I have been going to bed exhausted each night. I don't even know how I could fit drinking in if I wanted too! I probably have time for a drink here or there, during a movie or while reading right before bed, but:

- why? Why would I have a drink before bed? What is the purpose of that?
-it isn't realistic to think that I would only have one drink. Well, I might have one drink, in a pint glass with 1-2 shots of vodka a at least a shot of kahlua (so what is that 2-3 Shots in 1 drink?))
-I don't have time to to be hungover
-I don't want to start all over again
-I am enjoying just being myself and not drinking, worrying about drinking, being ashamed of drinking or any of the other crap that comes along with it.

So yes, maybe I have time for a drink, but I sure in the hell don't have the energy for the drama of a drink.

Is this the Pink Cloud I have heard about?

This is that annoying post of me talking about how I don't even want to drink right now.  Really, I don't.  I find that I have not even been thinking about it or missing it in the evenings.  I still worry about how I am going to get through some occasions.  The big one that seems to be stuck in my mind is New Years Eve.  I think my issue is that I don't really want to share my sobriety right now.  It is kind of like a private little secret I have and I just don't want to go in to with other people.  Honestly, I feel so damn exhausted all the time that the thought of picking through my brain to discuss my drinking just wears me out even more.  I will stop worrying abut New Years Eve now, it doesn't do me any good.  I  will figure it out as it gets closer.

So...my original thought/point with this post is that I am kind of surprised that I have not been thinking about booze much.  It is amazing how different my mind set it is compared to just a few weeks ago.  I don't feel like I am white knuckling or just getting by.  I can truly see myself not drinking again ever.  It doesn't seem so unattainable anymore.  Maybe this is the "pink cloud" I have heard about.  Well, if it is I will enjoy the ride, but be cautious about feeling to secure in my journey.

85% of the time (Day 22!)

When I was drinking I was afraid to stop because I kept thinking that I would miss out on all the fun.  Apparently that was a good enough reason to keep up with such a destructive behavior for far too long.  I still believed it even a few days, maybe a week in to sobriety. Week 2 I don't think I really thought about it much as I was just too busy trying to sort out the one thousand or so feelings I was having or I was asleep (constantly tired).  The weekends have always been the hardest for me as I entered my 3rd weekend I was  bit nervous that I would slip up.  I was nervous that I would be so bored because I was missing out on all the "fun" that I would drink again and then things would magically be more fun.  So, I started thinking about all the things that I like to do that are fun and whether drinking makes them better.  Here is my list and my answers:

• Trail Running, nope - drinking makes it more difficult actually
• SUP, no way!
• Mountain Biking - impossible
• movies with my kiddies, drinking doesn't make it better it just makes me fall asleep
• Hardcore gymworkouts - drinking no! and a hangover makes it suck ass
• Reading a book - okay, maybe a drink is nice with this BUT it does not make it better
• Boating/Rafting - well, like reading it could be enjoyable, but it doesn't make it better
• Traveling/Exploring - no, not really
• Gardening - duh no
• Spending time with friends, talking and hanging out.  This one is interesting, I feel like I am conditioned to automatically think drinking makes this more fun/better, but I really don't think it adds to the good times. It maybe can be considered a component of the "good times" but I won't be missing out on the spending time with my friends if I choose to do it without drinking.

Well, I know I do other things for fun, but this is what comes to mind, but in just a quick few minutes it is clear to me that the things I think are fun are not drinking related things at all.  There will be times that we are socializing and it is more of a drinking event.  I'm thinking around the holidays, maybe camping etc, but 85% of what I do does not include drinking.  I am going to focus on the fact that the 85% of my "fun" will actually improve without drinking.  I will figure out how to get through the 15% as I get more tools in my belt.  Hopefully, as I have learned so far, the fact that I am not drinking seems to only be a big deal to me and I won't have to go in to all of the reasons for it at that time OR who knows, maybe I'll be ready to share it by then.  At this point I have a long list of fun things to do so I am going to get started!
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Water = Booze?

Today is 21 days. This is about the time I drank last time. That was a year and a half ago and when I quit then I wasn't really quitting forever, just taking a break. I knew I drank too much, but it wasn't a big problem for me. So now, looking at the 21 day mark it is feeling like uncharted territory. I haven't been here yet, well at least since I stopped nursing my youngest kid. I am proud of myself and relieved that I am ready to just keep saying no. I haven't felt my resolve waiver yet. 

Yesterday I spent the day on the river with my brother in law and his wife plus a few of our kiddies and their friends.  BIL brought beer and a few drinks for his wife. We floated for a while and then ran in to other folks we know and hung out on the beach. I was offered beer at least 4 times. Coors light? Bud light? Mikes hard lemonade? Do you just want a sip? Here can you hold my beer for a minute? I have always joked that I'd rather drink water than Coors or Bud and I guess it's true! Although I wasn't tempted anyway so it really wouldn't have mattered what it was. I didn't need it. It wouldn't have made the day better. Still it was so interesting how often it was offered. I haven't told anyone that I am not drinking so they weren't being malicious in any way. They were just being nice and doing what you do on the river. I have been around my BIL and SIL quite a few times lately where I have turned down drinks so I am kind of waiting for them to ask me about it.

I find it so interesting how much being on the water is associated with drinking. It almost seems like a given. Hanging out poolside, rafting (floating, not whitwater!), going to the lake/river for the day, boating, going on a cruise all seem to be reasons to drink and in a lot of cases to excess. They just go hand in hand. I hadn't realized how much the 2 are intertwined until the last few weeks. The times when I have been most surrounded by alcohol have been during or right after days spent on the water. It must be a vacation mentality.

I am riding high - enjoying being sober and enjoying being present on and off the water.

Solo journey

My hubs left today. We had a 180 degree career change for him about 1 year ago. We closed our business, filed for bankruptcy protection and then set about figuring out the next stage. I have always worked outside our business, so I just kept on trucking. Well, if trucking means drinking myself silly most nights so I didn't have to think about the fact that we had lost so much in the bankruptcy and our troll of a landlord was now sueing us. Yes, just trucking right along there.

So, now at present day he is going to school out of state. He has school for about 1 month every 3 months or so and then he goes out to sea for anywhere from 3 - 5 weeks. He is a Merchant Marine. Life on the high seas, adventure around every corner, ahoy captain. Yep, all that Popeye weirdness. So, we went from us being home ALL the time, working together to parent and run our house to me, flying solo for weeks or months at a time. While he is in school he will be gone about 8-10 months out of the year, but once he is done he should only be gone 6-8 months. The goal is that I can eventually quit my job and do something more heartfelt or do nothing for a while - either way works!

My point (before I decided to tell you my life story) is that this is the first time in this process that I have been actively working towards being sober. The first time he left I made it about 6 days. I am at 18 days today and feeling a bit more settled in to the do's and don'ts so I am going to be really working hard to put myself in positive situations, making thoughtful choices and putting myself and my 100 days first.

 

Going along going along (day 18)

I'm still at it!

Whine time - I am so tired of being wiped out tired all the time.  I feel like I just need to sleep all the time.  I'm not sure what the deal is with this and how long it will last, but it is making me nuts!  I feel like a lazy sloth!

The other "side effect" I am experiencing lately may or may not be related to being sober.  I have found lately that I am incredibly sore after my workouts 3x a week.  I haven't been this sore since probably a year ago when I started this gym.  I was sore from my workout Thursday and had just started really recovering just to workout hard again on Monday and Tuesday.  My legs feel like they are so stiff all the time.  I am not sure if this has to do with a physical chemistry change or if I am perhaps working out harder because I am not chronically hungover.  I mean it is good to be sore, but this is ridiculous!

I am thinking about booze a bit less these.  I feel like during the first week or two staying sober consumed me.  I was reading blogs, reading books, listening to The Bubble Hour, checking with BFB.  I am still doing a lot of those things.  Sometimes I thought that with all of the sober input I was seeking that I was afraid I wouldn't have time to do anything else.  It seemed to be my whole world.  I have noticed over the past 3 or 4 days that it has begun to subside just a bit. I am still doing these things, but not in an all consuming way.  It is nice too because I find I am not always thinking about booze and drinking or thinking about not drinking.  Sometimes I find myself just living life...just going along going along.  I am just making dinner or watching a movie with the family or reading a magazine and I realize I am not thinking about booze.  It is not constant, but it happens occasionally and it is like a little glimpse of what it could be like when I find a normal balance of dealing with this issue.

Observations

Observations while not drinking

• I am more okay with it if I screw up.  I feel like I can make mistakes and be okay with it.  I don't feel like I have to be perfect all the time.  When I am drinking and something is messed up I wonder "is it because I am drinking/drank last night/ am hungover".
• I can share my drinks with my kids - tonic and lemonade, pellegrino
• My skin continues to improve.  Red splotches that I had on my face are fading.  My feet (I know weird) are healthier - less dry.
• I care more about what I look like.  I mean I feel like I look better and I am enjoying that aspect and want it to continue.  I may take a few extra minutes on my hair or make sure I have lipstick on, shave my legs :) . I don't feel like I am being vain, just kind of checked back in to taking care of myself
• I am still tired at weird times.  Yesterday I was exhausted from 2-5.  Today, I am fine.  Same amount of sleep, almost exactly the same food choices.  Just kind of up and down as I move through detoxing
• I am proud of myself
• I am scared of how this turns out
• I am hopeful
• I am nicer to myself - kind of goes back to the first observation.  I cut myself some slack.  I listen to my bodies needs. (NOT my occaional drink cravings)
• I am more present.  That sounds so cliche and I think EVERYONE says it, but it is true.  I feel more connected to the good and to the bad.
• I feel more empathetic

That is it for now.  I think I am writing these down so that I can re-read them over the weekend.  Weekends seem to be tougher for me and I need a reminder that this is a positive direction, even if I'm bored, annoyed, celebrating, tired or whatever.  It is better to be in those headspaces sober than boozing.