I Need Space

Wow there is a lot of booze around me! 

After work last night we went boating with some friends.  Just barely get on the boat and of course the first question is "can I get you a drink?" Of course they are just being nice and they have no idea that I am not drinking right now (or maybe ever, but lets not get carried away here), but it's interesting that an alcohol offer is a sign of welcome.  I enjoyed the time on the boat.  I watched my son go tubing for the first time and just relaxed and chatted.  Everyone, but me of course, had a few beers.  Then we stopped and had dinner on the river.  I stuck with water while the rest of the folks had beer or rum drinks.  I did mention that I was avoiding alcohol as a means to drop a few pounds, but then my chicken tacos and onion rings might have blown my cover!

I am probably not being as completly honest with my hubs as I should be.  I haven't said to him each time I have stopped drinking "that's it - I am not drinking." I just kind of stop.  He notices, but it isn't really a big deal to him.  He noticed last Sunday when I made myself a boozy drink at home.  He also noticed when we were on vacation 2 weeks back that I didn't drink.  I think he still see's it as me cutting back.  Controlling it more.  In my head I know it is more than that.  This fact was made clear last night when I asked him if he brought my drink stuff.  I had asked him to bring me some lemonade and tonic water to drink while boating.  I know, weird, but I like it.  He had forgotten, but then he said all proud - "but I did bring a Mike's hard cherry lemonade" big smile.  Um. oh. right. I'll just have some water. It wasn't that big a deal that he forgot my drink, but it was interesting that he brought me booze that I didn't ask for.  This takes me to a dangerous place in mind - "well, if he doesn't think I really have a problem and actually brings me booze then maybe I'm not as bad as I thought.  I mean we do live together, he sees all the drinking I do. He would know if it was really bad".  Did you hear that noise?  It was the sound the record player makes when someone grabs the needle, drags it across the record and stops the music followed by silence.  I know, it is exactly that kind of thinking that I cannot afford right now.  The truth is he has NO IDEA what is happening in my brain when the alcohol hits it.  I don't even know what is happening.  I just know I cannot let anyone's, even my dear loving hubs, opinions determine whether I have an issue.  Right now, I have an issue.  I need some space from the booze for a while.  Easy as that.  Problem or not I need space.