I just want the option

I don't think my "experiment" worked.  Scratch that - that is a very non-commital sentence.  What I should say is - My experiment did not work. Pretty scary making a definitive statement about drinking.  I better be careful here or just might form a conclusion that I don't like about this process (and when I say "don't like" it's not that it is wrong, it's just that I don't want to face it).  I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of kahlua about a week ago (6/30) and as of last night the bottle of vodka is gone.  I drank Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.  Pretty much the same old pattern about 5 nights a week.  I probably drank a little less than I had been, but not significantly less.  So, once again I am out of vodka and ready to stop drinking.  I have read blogs and posts and I knew going in to it that I was probably wrong - that I don't really have the capacity to drink normally, but hey, who am I to learn from other's experience?  No way, man - I gotta find out just how wrong I am all on my own.

I feel like I should be able to do this easier.  I don't know why I feel that way.  Everything I read says this isn't easy.  But, you know, I am special, that stuff doesn't apply to me.  Right...wrong...

So, here I am Day 1.  Do I want to drink?  No, not really.  I just still want the option. I have always been someone who bristles when the discusssions turn to "rules".  As an adult I want to make my own decisions, I want to have all my options out in front of me.  I don't want to feel like there is something I can't do.  It just bothers me that I can't control this situation and the only option is to remove the choice.  I don't like it.  Okay, whiney time is over, well for today anyway.