I have to stop now.

I have to stop now. I am really good at excusing my behavior. I can rationalize the shit out anything.   I have to stop drinking now. 

I know I have a problem.  I have not had a DUI or any other "rock-bottom" moment.  Maybe if something like that actually happened then it would be enough of a wakeup for me.  I just know in my heart that I am struggling and just drinking too much.  I would describe my drinking pattern as highly functioning, secretive, smart (as in don't do anything I can get arrested for smart, not this is the best thing for my mind, body and spirit smart). I have probably 1-2 mixed drinks (pint sized glass, heavy on the vodka) about 5 nights a week.  I get annoyed when I have to pick my kids up from friends houses later in the evening because it means I can't take my time to "relax".  "Relax" is code in my mind for "get buzzed".

I have an almost constant nagging dull ache in my upper right side, just below my ribs.  I am afraid that I am damaging my liver.  Shit! I would think that would be enough to make me stop drinking -and it is - until about 6pm each night.  That is when I begin the battle of "should I or shouldn't I?" Well, duh, idiot, of course you shouldn't.  Remember that pain you felt all day and worried about all day?  Yeah, well, maybe you should stop drinking and see if it goes away.  Maybe that'd be a really fucking good idea.  Yes, it is a great idea.  I'll just finish off this bottle of vodka so I no longer have it in the house to tempt me and then I will get on with implementing that great idea I came up with. 

Maybe I should go to a meeting.  Oh, but I don't have time for a meeting.  I don't have time to show up somewhere a bunch of days every week and discuss my issues.  What I do have time for is to check out each evening and not much done around the house...yes, clearly I don't have time for taking care of myself as I am too busy not taking care of myself.

So, what is the answer?  Well, I guess it helps to know exactly what the question is.  Why do I drink? Why don't I just stop?  What does my life look like without alcohol?  Will it be better? Worse? What if I try and fail?  I don't know yet, but I feel like it is going to take finding the answer to those questions and probably a bunch of others in order to make a healthy commitment to myself. Even though it isn't the 1st of the month, the 1st of the week or some other arbitrarily choosen appropriate start date, I will just make this simple commitment and I will not drink today.