Damn good thing I was out of vodka at the house last night! I sure hope that these early days are harder then the later days. Day 1 was okay, Day 2 between 6-8pm was a bit of a nail biter. It was such a weird, almost out of body experience.
So, here's the fascinating recap of my evening. I know - you thought I'd never get to it, but I had to let the excitement build. Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, English is my second language - Sarcasm being my first. Yep, so, here goes. I spent all day with an achey neck, headache and just feeling like maybe I was coming down with something. It didn't help that I didn't have my first cup of coffee until 11am. After work I gathered the children from their various summer hang outs and headed home. I was so tired I just couldn't handle it. I should have been making dinner, straightening the house, packing for my weekend away and maybe a few hundred other things, (PLUS, I had been kind of thinking of a drink. I know! wtf? it had only been 1 day) but all I could was think about sleeping, so I did. I took a nap for about an hour. It was weird, don't get me wrong, I am used to passing out on the couch, but not sober in the early evening. When I got up I decided I wasn't cooking dinner. My oldest asked for sushi for and my youngest would live on mac and cheese if he could - so I took the easy way and ran out to get both. Aha! My opportunity to remedy this whole problem of not having vodka at home. I can't tell you how many times I have needed to "stop at the store" to pick up something and "oh, while I was there I remembered we were out of vodka (again) so I went ahead got that too." I got the sushi and the macaroni and cheese and came home. Okay, I got a 4 pack of cupcakes too, but seriously, I am not beating myself up about that right now.
It seems as though I rarely win the battle at the store in regards to whether I should restock the booze or not. I KNOW if I don't have it I won't drink it, but it is seriously an arguement going on in my brain. Sometimes the one side is sneaky "you should just buy it so you have it, you don't have to drink it tonight, just restock the liquor cabinet" and I fall for it and of course and 99% of the time end up having a drink or two that night. Damn! So, last night I resisted, I white-knuckled, I just said no, I focused. Whatever I did, I didn't buy the booze and guess what? I survived an evening with our liquor cabinet being understocked. I know - who'd a thunk it? I feel good about it today, proud even. I also feel like maybe right now it is willpower more than anything and if I exercise my willpower it will get stronger. I need to look at last night as an example, and hopefully there will be other nights to use as examples as well. I need to remind myself that making the decision to not drink will yield positive results.
I have recognized for a while that my drinking is not normal. I CAN drink socially and normally. I do not get drunk everytime, or even most times really. It's just that in addition to social/group settings I also drink at home in the evenings sometimes by myself, sometimes with my husband. I know it and have made attempts in the past to modify it. I would just like to stop for now and feel my life without the booze in it.
This is a much longer post and a lot more "diary-like" than I anticipated. I just thought I'd type up a few witty quips about not drinking last night and how awesome I am feeling about it and hit Post. This would totally impress the imaginary readers in my mind. However, it seems the more I type the more I am looking inward and the more I realize it is pretty fucking deep and dark in there. I will keep posting and keep looking inward and see what happens.
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