Well, I am now out of vodka at the house. Since I really seem to limit my drinking to one type of drink (white russian anyone?) I am feeling more optimistic about my chances. But it isn't really about chances is it? It's about knowledge, strength, exploration, acceptance, resolve and myriad other traits and feelings.
I am starting to also feel sad about all of this. I hate that this is an issue. I hate how much time I feel like I am wasting thinking, worrying, regretting and recovering. I feel kind of lost . I usually feel like I am not that bad but regardless of how bad I need to make a change. I don't want to obsess over this. I am too busy for this shit.
So....that being said, my wedding anniversary is Saturday. I haven't seen my husband in almost 3 weeks. I get to fly up to meet him on Friday, spend Saturday with him and then we drive home together Sunday. Ordinarily this would be a booze fest for me. Most times when I fly, I feel like I have a free pass. I am usually not going to have to drive when I get to where I am going, plus since everyone is in a transitory state it isn't weird to be sitting in an airport bar by yourself having a drink, in fact it seems quite normal. The thing is something in me doesn't feel it this time. I am not sure what it is, but it just doesn't hold any appeal. Of course 11 am in the morning me is very different from 5pm or 9pm me. If the mindset and willpower I have in the morning stuck around with me all day I'd be fucking golden.
I feel sad about all of this right now. Tired, sad and just done. I just want it to stop.
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