Single speeding

Along with booze I have always struggled with weight (not severe weight, but anywhere from 5-25 pounds). I am active and fit generally. It is actually amazing the physical things I have been able to accomplish over the years while still drinking. 1/2 marathons, full marathons, an ultra, a couple of 8 hour endurance mountain bike races, 5am crossfit - all while drinking a fair (to high) amount. I feel like the extra weight is partly from drinking plus along with drinking comes the weird boozer high sugar intake and extra nightly snacking. Now that I am not boozing I really really want to move forward and do these things without the booze brain, without the extra weight (hitting maximum density with being 23 lbs over "my weight" right now), and without the tiredness that comes with it all. Impatient much? Nah, not me. I just want my life back right now! I see what I was doing and missing and I don't want that anymore.

So I tell myself that this is like training for an endurance event, slow and steady. If I train to hard too soon I will get hurt. I have to build up to going the distance; let my muscles get stronger slowly and over time. Oh I do love a metaphor! But now in addition to my boozie voice I have some other little voice that is in there, pushing pushing pushing to be better, be super fit, eat super clean, get strong, lean and do the things that I have been doing boozy and half-assed all these years. What is that voice all about??? Where is my voice that says take it easy on yourself - heal, trust the process, be nice to yourself? I hear it occasionally, but it is much quieter than the "more, bigger, better, go go go" voice.

Oh shit - interesting epiphany right now. I ride a single speed mountain bike. This means that I don't have those easy granny gears to shift in to when I hit a hill. When I have to climb I have to stand up, pedal hard and just fucking get to the top. It is all power. If it is rocky and technical I am powering and maneuvering and probably not even breathing! I love that it is harder. I don't have to think a lot about it. I either stand up and pedal or I don't make it to the top. It has made me a much faster rider and racer (ie it has worked for me). I'm wondering if this might be how I approach things/life. One speed. Get through it. Get to the top and then you rest and breathe. BUT, wait, what if there isn't a top? Staying sober does not have a top. Huh, I may be in trouble here I am probably going to have to figure out how to use some gears on this hill. (I know I am THE METAPHOR QUEEN!)

Halfway to 100 !!

I had some busy fun family plans, but I did not have a sugar/alcohol avoidance plan for the weekend. I had some drinking chatter going on in my brain on Friday afternoon/evening.  I didn't think I would drink, but there was some kind of weird "what ifs..." going on. I was concerned, but it passed and I was fine the rest of the weekend.   I got together with some friends on Saturday night, about 5 guy friends that I mountain bike with a lot. Once of the guys had moved and was in town for the weekend. These guys PUT AWAY serious amounts of booze. Namely tequila and some beer.  I love them dearly and I have had my fair share of tequila evenings with my guys, but this was not going to be one of them. I had to drive an hour with another friend of mine to meet up for a bbq. On the way there I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't drinking and he said he really wasn't either. So we get there and the tequilla is pouring and the beers are being passed. I decline and I tell them that I am taking a break. One of them says "oh yea, that's good. I do that every so often too." He then tells me he just went sober for 5 months from Jan to May. Huh? really? Interesting, I had no idea.  Up until a couple of weeks ago he lived in another state so I wouldn't have know.  He didn't mention it either (wheels of wonder are spinning in my head abou this). I told them I was going 100 days and about the 30 day no sugar deal. I had nothing but support from my friends, it was awesome.  As they drank they occasionally offered me tequila shots. No biggie, because if there is anything it is easy to say no to it is a shot of tequila (even the really good tequila they were drinking). I didn't mind being sober at all and it was nice to not be worried about the drive home. My friend who drove down there with me who "isn't drinking either" had  2 shots of tequilla and a beer. He can do that though, he doesn't have an issue, but for me that would have just sent me in to an alcohol binge when I got home.

It all worked out pretty well. I knew going in to the night that tequila would play a big role in the evening. It helped to know that and be mentally prepared. It was the first time too that I have really discussed my not drinking with any friends. I was so happy with the result.

One final note - geez, you are getting my life story here - I stopped in for a quick visit with my best friend on Sunday. As we sat talking she asked about the night before and if I had shots. And I said "no, I told you I'm not doing that right now". She was kind of surprised, which I found odd. She said she knew I had mentioned it, but she figured when my husband came home that we had drinks. I said nope, not doing it. In fact, I told her I was just about at 50 days (today is 51). She told me she was really proud of me. It felt good to talk to her a bit more about it. I told her I thought I drank too much and I need to do this for now.   I didn't go in to detail.  I am not sure when I will do that. I guess I need to figure things out first before I just go sharing my story - even with my closest friend. Anyway, then we talked more about sugar and the addictive qualities of that. She said she is going to go off sugar for the month of September. :)

That is all for now, cuz you know, maybe I had more to say...I mean I haven't told you what I had for dinner or anything :)

 

I don't get AA (yet).

This has really been bugging me lately.  First, let me start with the fact that I have never been to an AA meeting so I am somewhat uninformed, maybe there are all kinds of answers there in the support system.  But anyway, here is the thing that really chaps my hide.  IF alcoholism is a disease then WHY do we have to treat it with the whole 12 step program?  I mean what other diseases are treated this way?  Why is someone who is an alcoholic automatically needing to "work the steps".  If it is a physical disease then why is this the cure?.  Arrgghh.  I am trying to say this so that it makes sense.  It makes sense in my brain.  Okay, other diseases, like lets say diabetes - this is a physical disesase that is related to the inability to process sugar.  In order to fight the disease you have to change your diet, eliminate sugar, make healthy choices and be educated.  If you do all these things you can live and not have any active signs of the disease.  So if you are an alcoholic why can't you just give up booze and make healthy choices?  Why does it have to be some big mental program of steps and sponsorship and reconciling and whatever else?  Why is there so much emotional crap involved??? I mean emotions are fine, but do I really need to dig deep to stay away from booze.  Is drinking always tied in to some deep seated emotional damage that must be disected in a group setting?  I don't get it. 

My Dad went to AA for a number of years, but then he stopped going.  He was sober for probably the last 30 years of his life.  He didn't seem to focus on it.  It just was what it was.  He just didn't drink.  No long story about it.  Booze screwed up his life, he couldn't handle it and he was better with out it.  I guess that is the solution I see.  I don't want to dwell on it and I don't want it to define me.  I just want to not drink and get on with doing all the other stuff that I do in life.

Testing my willpower

If car shopping doesn't drive me to drink and eat a fucking cupcake nothing will! Okay, that's a little dramatic but still, I hate it.  I hate having a low budget, haggling and just all of it.

Okay, rant over. Today is six weeks sober and 1 week sugar free. I tried to go off sugar at about 3 weeks, but I could t do it. I feel like now the timing is nice because it takes my mind off of not being able to have booze. I'm a bit more focused on not having sugar. Double bonus - since my booze of choice is a sugar filled cocktail I now have 2 reasons to say no. 

Apparently my hubs isn't really drinking now either. He had a couple of beers the first night he was home, but then I had "the talk" with him the next morning and he's been sober too. He doesn't have a problem, so it's not a biggie for him, but it is nice to have the support.

I figure by now I have saved $180 + 35000 calories. Well, I ate a good portion of those cals back in sugar and crap in the first 5 weeks, but now with no sugar that is lower too. That is a pretty big savings! Next up is probably going to have to be eliminating starchy carbs. Slowly but surely I am making healthy changes.

It's late, I'm beat. I'm sugar and booze free and I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.

Day 40 no booze, Day 5 no sugar. If I keep giving up stuff I am going to need more room for the title.

Today is 5 days no sugar and 40 days no booze.  Okay, universe I am expecting to drop a few lbs on the old scale anytime now.  Oh wait, I should not be eating my weight in carbs? Hm. oh. whatever then. One vice at a time.  I feel like I am working on the two biggies right now so I'll just leave at that for a bit. 

My gym has a bootcamp starting up again in about 2 weeks.  During bootcamp we are supposed to go No Alcohol (check), No sugar over 9 grams (check), No dairy (about 1/2 a check here), No Processed foods (another 1/2 a check) and No starchy carbs (no checks at all, in fact I might need to give some of the previously earned checks back!  In the past when I have done this detox I have gotten sick, I mean "I think I'm getting the flu" sick during the first week and by week 2 I am usually drinking again.  Since I am cutting out booze and sugar on my own I am thinking that maybe cutting out the other 3 won't be such a system shock this time.  I know starchy carbs convert to sugars, but since 2 months ago I was consuming booze, sugar AND starchy carbs and now I am just on starchy carbs I am at least going in the right direction.  I am also starting to see that the first 5 days of making a major change to my eating or drinking pattern kind of sucks.  It is hard not having sugar, but it is easier today than it was on Monday.  I have to hope that it will be easier still by this time next week.  So I will continue my optimistic journey on my quest for nutritional self improvement.  Btw - during this I am not counting calories at all.  I am working out 3-5 times a week and just trying to limit my foods to be within my current "NO" guideline.  I am trying to eat healthier overall and not be obsessed with numbers all the time. 

Well, that is about all the exciting news I have today.  Just a general check in.  Keeping the sober side up and trying to enjoy the fact that I remember my days and evenings now.

Telling my man

My hubs is home for a week between trips to Alaska.  It is always so nice to have him home.  It is weird for a day or two as we kind of figure out our routines again, but weird is better than alone!

So as I am on day 39 of not drinking now I figured I should let my hubs know that I am done with it.  I still don't have it in me to admit to more than just "I was drinking too much".  So, that is what I said.   I really didn't have to say it though, he had a front row seat to how much I was drinking.  So, I told him that I am done drinking.  I explained to him that  it is easier for me to just say no all the time then to try to play games and say I will only drink on the weekends or I will only drink when we are out at dinner/special occasions.  I told him that I just preferred to not have it be a part of my life.  He mentioned that he noticed I hadn't had a drink in a long time (he has been gone for the last 3 weeks so he didn't really know what I was doing until he came home) and that he thought if I wasn't drinking I would achieve my other goals more easily.  I also explained to him that when I initially thought about drinking I thought somehow I would be missing out on fun, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the things I do for fun do not include drinking.  In fact drinking really wasn't fun anymore.  He just nodded and agreed.  So, that was that I guess.  Not really sure if I expected it to go differently or if maybe I thought he would have questions or what.  He doesn't drink much and can really take it or leave it.  He said he doesn't care if he drinks again, but sometimes he likes the taste of a beer.  He also said he would prefer it sometimes if beer didn't have alcohol in it.  Fuck you, who even says that?  Oops, I mean, huh - that's interesting. :)

Sugar Sugar Sugar!!!!

As far as addictive behavior goes I have replaced alcohol with sugar.  I mean it is filling in all the holes left by not drinking.  During the day I think about treats I can have.  I "treat" myself to a cookie almost every afternoon.  I plan a Friday night with a piece of cake and the latest copy of People magazine.  It's like an orgy of junk food on Fridays - junk for my mind, junk for my body.  I sneak the treats so that my kids don't see them because goodness knows I wouldn't let them eat this way. 



So, because I am sober and just slightly more aware of myself these days I have decided to kick the sugar habit.  I am eliminating all my "treats".  No cake, no candy, no cookies, no tonic-berry lemonade.  No treats of this type at all. I have read that sugar is an addiction just like many other addictions, so I am trying to mentally accept that this week (I'm on day 2) is going to suck.  It is going to suck like quitting drink sucked.  I can tell myself all day long that this is good for me and that my body needs to detox, but it sucks.

I also know that this early in my sobriety I am supposed to just be kind to myself and not try to limit too much stuff.  I totally get that, but I am not okay with my behavior in regards to sweets.  I do not like the sneaking and hiding and doing something that I know is not good for me.  It is this reason that I am making this change.  I feel like I have to be vigilant about addictive behavior and I am looking to nip this one in the bud quick!

Oh, and 5 weeks sober as of last Sunday, so that's pretty cool too.

Alcohol is everywhere

Alcohol observations from a sober viewpoint.

Yesterday some friends were boating and I had a special treat of being picked up for my lunch hour and boated around the river for a bit.  Such a wonderful break in the middle of the day.  Everyone on the boat was having a beer or drink of some kind.  I was offered one and was easily able to say no as I had to go back to work, then a bit later I was offered "just a sip".  I have not discussed my sobriety with anyone - well, I did mention to one friend fairly casually that I wasn't drinking in order to drop a few pounds (not working btw) so this person wasn't sabotaging me or any such thing.  He was offering to truly being nice - to make my lunchtime boat excursion just a bit more "fun".  I made an excuse about it being just a tease and said no thanks.  As I think about it now though - one sip stresses me out.  One sip doesn't do anything for me except at best - reset my counter to zero and at worst send me on a weekend "fuck it I just blew it anyway, I'll start counting again on Monday" bender.  I would never just take one sip.  It's an all or nothing propositon for me and right now I am practicing the nothing. 

Today I stopped in to Starbucks at lunch for a pick me up coffee.  I don't have afternoon coffee that often, but it is often enough that I am somewhat familiar with the staff there.  Anyway, as I am sitting waiting and zoning out on my phone I overhear one of the staff telling a customer that he hasn't had a drink in 7 months.  I look up to see who is talking and I am shocked.  This guy is maybe in his early 20's.  He is always really friendly when I am in and always asks about my weekend plans etc.  As I am listening he is telling this customer/friend about how he thinks alcohol literally eats holes in the brain and since he has stopped drinking he feels like the lights are going on.  He feels like he is remembering things better than he has in a long time and that he is learning to do things differently.  He was so excited about how good he was feeling.  I just sat and listened and totally anonymously identified with everything he was saying.  I didn't say anything, but I might next time, or maybe I won't...who knows.  He may or not have a problem, I don't know his full story, but it was good to hear someone else talking about being sober and how good it feels!

Two days, two observations.  Funny how much alcohol permeates our culture.  It surrounds me whether I am drinking or not.  That's fine, it can surround me but I will no longer allow it to consume me.

30 freakin days!

30 days today. I'm just going to roll that around on my tongue for a bit. 30 days sober. 29 days ago this day seemed impossible. 29 days ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to be sober. Here I am at 30 days and I know this is the right choice. I love the clarity that I have most days now. I can honestly say that I do not want to drink today. I am not drawn to it today. It used to annoy the shit out of me when I would read blogs and the author would talk about not wanting to drink. I would think that was impossible, or at least impossible for me. But I'll be damned if I'm not sitting here typing those exact words. What a difference a little bit of time can make. I don't say it very often, but dang it, I am proud of myself so far. I am doing what I set out to do and it feels good.

Back in June when I was still quitting and restarting I told my husb that I wanted to stop drinking, clean up my diet and really get more involved with my gym. I wanted to assist with workouts, who knows, maybe be a coach some day. I had been thinking about the fact that I love to workout and I love reading about fitness, both physical and nutritional, okay and I am obsessed with weight loss shows, before and after stories are like crack for me. I thought it would be really cool to be more involved in health and fitness both for myself but also eventually for others. Lately I have taken it up a notch in my classes and have been doing the demos and helping. Today we showed up to the gym and there was no coach. Everything was locked up tight. About 10 of us decided to go to the park and make up a workout. I basically got to lead it. It wasn't quite the way I'd planned to maybe start coaching, but it was cool. The other ladies said "you lead it". I had no plan so I had to make it up as I went. It wasn't great, but all things considered we did great. 

So on the 30th day of my sobriety I was given an opportunity to glimpse maybe what it might feel like to follow that dream a little. I feel like I was given a that a month ago I would not have been able to receive. I would not have been clear-headed enough to have led the class and I don't think I even would have been aware that it was something I wanted to do.

Oh and I had a piece of cake to celebrate! (It's not ALL about nutrition)

Still going!

4 weeks today. I never say it and I probably should more often - I am proud of myself. It's all new territory. My weekend was so busy with working out, hiking and swimming with kiddies, school clothes shopping, sports for the kiddies and family time that I have been going to bed exhausted each night. I don't even know how I could fit drinking in if I wanted too! I probably have time for a drink here or there, during a movie or while reading right before bed, but:

- why? Why would I have a drink before bed? What is the purpose of that?
-it isn't realistic to think that I would only have one drink. Well, I might have one drink, in a pint glass with 1-2 shots of vodka a at least a shot of kahlua (so what is that 2-3 Shots in 1 drink?))
-I don't have time to to be hungover
-I don't want to start all over again
-I am enjoying just being myself and not drinking, worrying about drinking, being ashamed of drinking or any of the other crap that comes along with it.

So yes, maybe I have time for a drink, but I sure in the hell don't have the energy for the drama of a drink.